Time

"There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing." - Brian Tracy

Time.  Something I don't have enough.  Too many things to do and too little time.

Or, that is the excuse I give myself.

Recently, I saw a video that showed a Japanese man, got up, prepared breakfast, got dressed and ate breakfast and out of the door for work, in 4 minutes and 52 seconds.  In the video, he invented a lot of shortcuts to get things done e.g. how to brush teeth and wear your pants at the same time (I have pigued your interest there :) ).  It was pretty funny when I saw it.

Really, there is enough time but I just need to PRIORITISE.  Big word, but what does it mean?  It means I have to be time-disciplined (not sure if this is an official term, but if not, you heard it here first!).  I have to pull myself away from the facebook games that I am currently addicted to and write this post.  I have to hang out the laundry first so while the clothes are drying, I can sweep the floor.  It means I have to stop doing laundry or sweeping the floor and answer the question that my 4 year old is asking.

Time-discipline means that I have to do the most important thing first and go down the list.  Whenever a more important thing arises, I do that thing first.  That's easy, but why do I have so much trouble?

There are 2 main reasons:

1. Distractions
   The Internet, a TV program, a messy house - these things distract me from finishing the most important things.


2. Avoidance
   The most important things normally take patience and time and sometimes, tedious.  So I avoid doing them.  I tend to do the easy-to-complete (read: unimportant) things first, leaving precious little time to do the really important things.

Not hard really.  Just a very conscious effort to do the most important things first.

Children See. Children Do.

This powerful video came to me in facebook from a friend sharing.  When I saw this, I remember all the times my children were watching me - behaving well and behaving badly.  This is not just for parents, but for ALL adults.

How much do we really love our kids?  Do we love them enough to show them how we can make the world a better place?

Will you change the way you live your life now?

There is a new TV series which has caught Dear Husband's eye, called "Flash Forward".  Essentially, the story is about how the world blacked out AT THE SAME TIME, everyone, for 2 minutes and 17 seconds.  In this short time, almost everyone is shown a scene from their own future,not now but in 6 months time, the date of 29 April, 2010.

It is an interesting "what if?" show.  One of the characters in the show saw herself with a man, not her husband in that future vision; her husband saw a vision of someone plotting ot kill him.  I could not help but thought to myself, what if it was me having the glimpse into my future?

If I do see a glimpse of my future, would I change the way I live my life now? 

Would each of the decisions I make as a working mother change? 

Would I scold my kids less and forgive myself more? 

Would I work less and play more? 

Would I be relaxed more and let go of control more? 

Would I want less and be happy more?

What if I were to die tomorrow? What would I do then?

These are great questions to ask myself as a modern working mother.  I then to be bogged down by the day to day that I forget to look at the big picture.  What really matters in the end?

Life

I am 36 and have since lost 3 friends to life for 3 different reasons.

J was my secondary school classmate. I remember him to be one of the top performers in class. Me...I was mediocre and when the O levels draw near, he offered to help a group of us. He was quiet and silent in his ways. He came from a poor family and does not have a home phone which was very rare 20 years ago.

We parted ways and did not really kept in touch when we entered university. I heard he got a scholarship and went to Cambridge. I attended a class gathering during that time, and he was there. He was even more unusual then. He also told me he found God but I could tell he was not happy.

Years later, I heard he checked himself into Woodbridge to cope with his depression. I heard he did not do well in Cambridge and could not cope with the failure. He did some jobs but was not able to cope with life in general.

One morning on my way to breakfast with my mum, we saw my family electrician walking towards us. He did not seem to see us and was holding something in his hands. My mum then called him and he pulled out a photo of J and said that J was his elder son. J had jumped off a building not far from where we were staying. I was shocked to find out the relationship and also very much affected seeing J's photo and finding out this way. It was Valentine's day and I had the ugly job of informing all my friends. Some of us went to the funeral but I did not.

S was my senior in the course that I was taking. He always had his Ray Bans with him and never did what he was told. He was the ultimate cool bean in class and all the girls swooned over him, despite his average looks.

He was smart and never really had to study too hard to do well. He was active in a student organisation that I was also a part of. He was crazy about Calvin and Hobbes and had the rest of us crazy about it as well. He was a very close friend and he helped me through the difficult times during my uni days. He also took me to the Science prom and remembered he bought me a single rose. I never had romantic notions about S but he certainly was the big brother I never had.

I loved him so when that phone call came to tell me that he was killed in an accident years after we graduated, the sadness and regrets all came crashing down. We kept in touch now and then but we stopped being in each other's life. He was trying to navigate a bend in the rain when he crashed onto a tree. He was instantly killed.

Looking down at S's lifeless body in the coffin, with the handiwork of the embalmer who had the job of making an accident victim look "repaired", tears rolled down my face.

I knew C the longest, since we were 13. We were never close individually but as a team with the other members of our class, we were tight. Even as we grew up into our adult skins, we never really lost touch as once in a while someone would organise a reunion.

C was great at basketball despite his big size and very fast on the court. He was the eldest in class (in terms of actual brithdate) and so we called him "Lao Da" for the "eldest one". He was quiet and did well enough to enter the polytechnic of his choice. What I did not know that when he was doing his National Service, he was diagnosed with diabetes.

The last time I met and talk to him which was during a wedding of a classmate, D, in the same class, he admitted that he was young and stupid and did not really care to take care of his condition. He ate as he liked and did not take medications. Subsequently, he lost one of his leg, knee downwards, to gangrene. He was wearing a prosthetic while tell us this story at the wedding. While I was shocked to find out, I encouraged him and even told him we need to meet again for a gathering.

I accidently found out about his death from D's facebook. I was very angry and resentful of D for not telling us. Apparently, later on D admitted that he too found out from another friend, who also found out by accident. He did not even thought to inform us. Again, I delivered the bad news to the group. One of our other friends who knew C's parents visited them. It was more than a month after by then. C was not feeling well and was sick in bed when he started to feel breathless. He was sent to the hospital and the doctor said that although his heart was weak, he was stablised. He died that night of complications with his family around him.

It was hard coping with the loss as DH was on a business trip when I found out. I still have not visited the columbarium to see him. I am not sure I can stand seeing his picture and not him.

If I have learnt anything from my 3 friends, I learnt that life is unpredictable and things can all change in an instant. I now kiss my DH and kids goodbye and always make an effort to patch things up before we part. I do not know if I will be seeing them tonight and I want to make sure we part on a good note, with no regrets.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 10 March, 2009.

Sleep Deprivation

I read somewhere on a women's magazine that for every child that grows up to 18 years old, the parents would have lost 5 years worth of sleep.  I have 4 kids so, mathematicians out there, please help to figure out how many years worth of sleep I would have lost just by having them.

10 years ago, with the birth of my first baby, my relationship with a good night's sleep has been elusive.  I now have what the experts would call long term sleep deprivation or that I have a sleep debt.  I do better some days with less sleep but others badly.

How do I then deal with this ongoing issue (at least until my youngest is 4 and fully toilet trained)?

1. Sleep Early
   This is a tough one for me as I have so much to do that I cannot sleep early.  I am also a night owl so I get all kinds of ideas and things to do at night, mostly before bedtime!  Nevertheless, I try my best and when I manage this one, it helps me recover some of my sleep debt.


2. Stimulants (legal ones, of course)
   Of course, what is a sleep deprived mum going to function on without stimulants aka coffee?  I only have 1 a day and almost always the first drink of the day.  On days that I bravely go without, by lunchtime, I would have develop a massive headache.  For a period of time, I tried to wean myself off and was quite successful.  I guess that is another post for another day.  I am back on it again, as I found it easier than fighting the urge.  Will power is something you don't have a lot in supply when you are sleep deprived.


3. Food
   I recently also found that high protein breakfast with a dose of 500mg worth of Vitamin C would also help with my energy levels.  These would include eggs, ham and soya bean based drinks or food.  A couple of eggs on wholemeal toasts and a cup of coffee would take me all the way until lunchtime.  Tuna fish sandwiches are great too.  If you want to boost any sandwich with extra protein, a slice of cheese is a great addition.  I also try to avoid too much carbohydrates and make sure I drink lots of water.


4. My iPod Touch
   To help me focus on work in the office, this gadget (which was a gift from Dear Husband) is vital in providing background music and also pump up my blood and energy levels.  As I work in an open office (yes, we can hear all the conference calls and conversations with spouses or kids), it shuts off the unnecessary distractions, which a tired body can easily succumb to.


5. Exercise
   This is 5th on my list for a reason.  This is not something I would reach for intuitively to help cope with my sleep debt.  However, when I do get time to go for a run or walk, this brings my energy levels up just after 20 minutes.  If I am able to continue this for a week, I actually get quite good results. 

Now if only I can find those sneakers...

What is Really Important in a Marriage

Buy Me a Rose by Luther Vandross

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she’d say…

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

Now the days have grown to years of feelin’ all alone
As she sits and wonders if all she’s doin’ is wrong
‘Cause lately she’d try anything just to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said, if she said…

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is the story of you…and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
‘Cause I’m gonna make things right for the rest of your life
And I’m gonna hold you tonight, tonight
Do all those little things for the rest of your life

Everytime I hear this song on the radio, it reminds me to pay attention to the things that really matter in my life, especially in my marriage.  Although the day to day living is important, the Really Important things in a marriage are the ones that look after the heart.

Dear Husband and I have a book for couples that provides a scripture reading and a reflection/story for every day of the year.  It then gives a related discussion topic and prayer.  When we have time, we will read the passage for the day before bedtime.

2 nights ago, the passage was about pleasing one's mate; whether we thought about each other in our daily lives.  The discussion topic was then for each of us to come up with 3 things that would help our mate please us.  As we talked, I realised that we already were doing many things that pleased each other.  However, as I delved deeper and gently encourage my Dear Husband to come up with 3 things, he brought up one that really bothered him.

You see, I have always been a strongly opinionated woman.  I am well read and so always have something to say about almost everything, whether or not anyone is listening - in other words, I am irrepressible.  So during many occasions, I express myself rather strongly, sometimes with no thought about how Dear Husband might feel.  He shared that when I cut him off during conversations or answer questions on his behalf, it annoys and irritates him.  This does not help to better our marriage and in fact, even hurt him at times.

I acknowledged his feelings about this issue and reassured him that I was aware of this tendency of mine; that I am taking steps to change this.  I have to admit that it was difficult to listen to him and I felt myself getting defensive.  However, when I held my tongue and really listened, I learnt about the situations when I really hurt my Dear Husband, and how I could have avoided them.

With 4 kids and full time jobs, we don't always have the time to really listen to each other's needs.  While I need to express my needs, it is also vitally important to listen to Dear Husband's needs.  I am grateful that we had the chance to talk about our needs and the opportunity to better my marriage relationship.

Are you listening to your mate?  What are the 3 things you can do to please your mate?