It's All About Choices

It is all about choices, isn't it?  Life is made up of choices that we all have to make.  To marry or not, to marry this person or that, to have kids or not, to have 2 kids or 4, to work or stay home, to trust or not, to love or not - these are all choices.

Right or wrong, good or bad - we also have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Ever since I became a mother 10 years ago, I have been struggling with this one choice that I made.  Although you can say I don't have much of a choice since we were just starting off our lives and money was important to our survival.  I chose to continue working instead of staying at home with my son. 

Subsequently, every year, I had the opportunity to revisit this choice but I never really did.  At that time, I work from home.  So even though I was working in my bedroom, I could occasionally take breaks and play with my son.

I had 8 years of bliss.  I held a great job that allowed me to hone my skills professionally and yet allowed me more connection and time with my family.  These 8 years saw me raise 3 kids.  Funny enough, during these 8 years, I often lamented about how nice to be able to work in an actual office with actual colleagues.  After 8 years, the company I was working for decided that they would have an actual physical office instead of virtual ones. 

I never knew what hit me.  It might not have been apparent to my colleagues, but my family felt the change.  In a big way.  I struggled every single day trying to cope with the change.  I was like the duck, seemingly calm above the surface, gliding along, but underneath the surface, I was paddling like crazy.

I don't think I ever recovered from it.  I am still paddling but not as crazy as before.  Why?  Because I made some choices to keep some things the way they were and to give up other things.

This choice that I made 10 years ago, I struggle with it every single day.  My babies are growing up and I am not there enough to see it.  I crave to have more time with them, to understand and discover them, to stand by them and comfort them.  I want to stay at home and watch them grow but more than ever, I need to have a constant stream of income. 

I see my friends all around me struggling with that as well.  You might say I should get comfort from that, but I don't.  Everytime I see a Facebook update on how they are struggling with their own problems - trying help kids adjust to school life, friends fall ill because they have no help, not enough time to love their kids - I feel sad.  Like I say, we have to live with the consequences of the choices we make.  They may not be choices that we want to make but choices we have to make - either way, we have to live with the consequences.

I know this seems like a sad and depressing post.  It is meant to be.  However, by recognizing and admitting to the conflicts and dilemmas that I face on a daily basis, by identifying my challenges - I then see how I can overcome them, how I can then make other choices that can get me out of this conflict, this dilemma. 

I know I will, I just need to choose to make that choice.

Best Sweet Potato Chips in the World

“Said Aristotle unto Plato,
'Have another sweet potato?'
Said Plato unto Aristotle,
'Thank you, I prefer the bottle.'”

Owen Wister (1860-1938) American novelist

I am with Aristotle on that one.

The best food in life is the food that has the least messing around.  No insecticides, no preservatives, no additional processing, no over seasoning. Cooking for my family and friends, I find that the recipes that worked best often are the simplest and has the least amount of cooking.  If you think that by spending a long time in the kitchen, whipping up an elaborate meal is a show of culinary prowess, it is more than further from the truth.  All family and friends want, is really spending time with you.  I have had many meals with just 1 main dish or with half the meal bought, and everyone had loads of fun.

I love chips; potatoes, parsnip, sweet potatoes, yam, lotus root (yes, I tried that and it was heavenly), anything that I can slice (and are root vegetables!) I can make into chips.

I made these sweet potato chips once as a side dish to steak and mushy peas.  The chips became the highlight of dinner and my brood of 4 kids and 1 husband were delighted and gave it more marks than the steak and mushy peas, which took a longer time.  Needless to say, I was surprised as it had not taken much effort.  Here's what I did.

Best Sweet Potato Chips in the World

Ingredients

3 large Sweet Potatoes

Method

1. Remove the skin off the sweet potatoes and soak them in salt water as you work.  Sweet potatoes tend to oxidise when cut and turn an unattractive brown.


2. Using any vegetable peeler, slice sweet potato lengthwise into thin slices.


3. Dry them thoroughly with kitchen towels/clean tea towels and place in fridge to dry out for about 1 hour.


4. I used vegetable oil but you could pretty much use any frying oil.  Deep fry them until slight golden brown.


5. Serves 4 as a side and 1 as a greedy craving.

I have used them as sides but you could use them for family movie nights or a starter.  I have never tried them with a dip yet but I encourage you to try with your favourites.  How about also experimenting with other vegetables?  I would love to hear what works for you!

Why I wrote my last post

If you read my last post, you will see that I listed out the ways that I found work for me as a working mother - Juggling Work and Family.

What I did not explain was why I wrote my last post.  Although it was a challenge from dear husband to list the ways I cope with my busy life, it was my first born son that inspired the last post.

We were chatting (yes I do have time to chat with my kids!), and he told me about his friends in school.  They complained that their parents are always too tired to do anything with them.  Normally they would have 1 or 2 other siblings.  Most have live-in helpers as surrogate caretakers, although some have grandparents.  Others may even lived with their grandparents and only see their parents on weekends.  What puzzled him was why we did not have a live-in helper, our kids did not stay with the grandparents and yet quality time with 4 kids is not eroded.

Now, you must understand that I have a very special little boy here.  He thinks in a very different way from his peers and even from us.  So when he talked to me about this, I was not surprised at all.  I explained that perhaps their parents work long hours and was really drained at the end of the day.  He pointed out that we too were tired, but we still spend time talking to them and doing things together.  Plus, if his friends has a live-in helper, then would that not help the parents not be too tired from the house chores? (and yes we do the house chores ourselves!)

I could tell my efforts in trying to give him time daily from my busy schedule was important to him.  This conversation reminded me that he needs me to be in his life and that he needs to be in mine.  That every conversation, every sharing, every game, every movie, every holiday, every "Mummy, mummy, I have something to show/tell you" answered is important to him.  Even every argument, as I am at least there to have it with him! 

My quest does not stop here.  Although my son may think I am doing a great job, there is always room for improvement.  So I simply have to keep challenging myself to find new ways to keep improving the quality of my interactions with him and being there for him. 

I hope that when the time comes, he will come to me and say, "Mummy, there is this girl...", and I will be more than happy to part of that chapter of his life.

Juggling Work and Family

"How do you manage?"

I get asked that question a lot.  My cheeky answer is always,"I don't.  I struggle."  While that gets lots of laughs and knowing grins, working mothers do REALLY want to know how to manage better. 

After much trial and error, I finally have a method to all the madness, juggling a full time job with a large growing family, that works for me.  Hopefully these practical tips and tricks would also help you in keeping insanity at bay.

1. Draw the line between work and home
   I have outlined how to do that in my previous post - How to draw the line between work and home.


2. Have strict time routine
   This is a a strictly enforced rule in my household.  For instance, bedtime for the kids is at 9pm.  No bargaining, no negotiation, no exceptions.  Even on weekends and schoool holidays (okay, perhaps we bend it sometimes).  This ensures that I have a few hours of time spent either with my dear husband or just some alone time.  The other time routines are waking times, mealtimes, time to move out in the mornings - by keeping to these times strictly, the family knows what to expect and can manage themselves accordingly.


3. Unclutter your life routine
   For instance, I do not cook a separate meal for the younger kids when they turn 2 years old.  This will take 1 thing off my very long list of things to do.  Another thing I do is not to visit the supermarket daily.  I have a running shopping list and try my utmost best to visit only once a week.  This saves time and money.


4. Reduce your committments
   Having another new fanangle enrichment class for your kids, or saying yes to serving in another committee is not going to help you in your quest for balance.  Give time to the only ones that really matter to you and your family.  Remember that most times, when you say yes to such committments, you are in effect saying no to spending time with your family or no to having time to yourself.


5. Delegate
   Not just to husbands or helpers, but to your kids.  My older kids are 10 and 8 years old.  They can make simple breakfasts and snacks for themselves and others, help the younger kids with dressing up and going to the toilet, help to watch their siblings when we are busy with other tasks and also clear and wash their own used cups and dishes.  Before we leave the house, one would open the door and the other would close all the windows in the house.  This not only relieves me from the nitty gritty tasks, it also trains the kids to be more independent.


6. Relax!
   Nevermind if the beds are not made on some days or the children eats junk on others.  By not wanting to always be perfect, I am a more relaxed mother and can focus on things that really matter like understanding and talking to my kids.  Surprise surprise - my dear husband in turn is also more relaxed and therefore, more loving to me.


7. Carve out time for your marriage and yourself
   The "after 9pm" time slot is fiercely guarded, as illustrated in my previous post - No.  The time with my dear husband is important in keeping our love and passion alive.  I also have alone times that I spent sleeping, playing games or writing.  This makes sure that I have time to be me and not just mum or wife.  Guess what that does to my soul?


8. Work with your husband
   While it is nice to have a husband who could read your mind and do the things you want him to do (let's not get ahead of ourselves), most times, it is actually more efficient and effective to tell him (gasp!).  My dear husband tells me it is a relief to know what I want and need exactly as he can then proceed to meet those needs.  Hmm, looks like another post to help our dear husbands!  Stay tuned, gentlemen!

What do you do that works for you in mastering the delicate task of balancing your life?

Family Resolutions

Okay, last day of the year...last ditch effort to fulfill 2009 resolutions.  Time to also make the 2010 ones.

Two days ago, I initiated a family resolutions making session.  Everyone in the family who can understand the concept was asked to come up with activities that we can do as a family.   I tried this before last 3 months of 2009 and it worked really well.  An additional column was added to each activity to track the date that we achieved it.

This is our list.  We came up with 15 so that we would have 1 for every month and 3 extra.

1. Go to Wild Wild Wet. 


2. Play a family board game.


3. Go to the playground.


4. Go to Hollywood Dinos at Jurong Bird Park.


5. Read the book, "Raising Your Family EQ".


6. Create a family blog.


7. Go overseas on a family trip.


8. Eat durians in an open air durian cafe.


9. Watch a movie together.


10. Have a barbeque.


11. Cook/Bake together.


12. Go to Sentosa for a short weekend trip.


13. Go to a new park.


14. Go for a family pinic.


15. Go fishing.

What does your family like to do together?  Make a list and at the end of the year, celebrate your family spirit!

Great Expectations

As the year closes and the new year comes upon us, did 2009 meet your expectations?  What expectations do you have of 2010?

Did you get the promotion at work or the raise you expected?  Did you close the deal you were hoping to close before the year end?  Did you change your job?

Did your kids' results from the year end exams meet your expectations?  Did the renovations for the new house finish on time?  Did your investments recover as much as you expected?  Did your husband buy what you wanted for your birthday?

I have expectations of myself and others that I want met.  Of course, life being life, these are either not met at all or not met quite the same way I wanted.  The world cannot revolve around me and not everything will go my way, if ever.  These then contributed to the built up of disappointments that may then change my attitude towards life or to others around me.

When my kids don't get ready in time for school in the morning, I end up yelling and screaming for them to hustle.  I neglect to see that they cannot read my mind and thus, do not know that today I have an early morning meeting and need to be early at work.

When the ballet school teacher failed to tell me that my daughter's ballet lesson was canceled, I threw a fit in the car about how irresponsible and unorganised she was.  What I should have been doing was to celebrate the good fortune of having an extra hour of free time!

When my dear husband suggested eating out, forgetting that I had previously planned to cook lunch, I sulked and agreed grudgingly instead of appreciating the opportunity to enjoy the outing.

When I could not carve out the time from my busy life to write a post, I deemed myself lazy and unmotivated, instead of realising that I was doing pretty good for a working mother with 4 kids.

Mismanaged expectations often go out of control and either change us to something prickly and unlikeable, or prevent us from living life in the now.  Instead of focusing on the "unmet" or "mis-met" expecations, one should really just expect the unexpected, expect things to go wrong, and treat every single one of the met expectations like a bonus.

Easy to say, hard to do. 

In the rare moments that I manage this feat, the bliss and peace I feel is priceless. 

In this new year, I urge you to set realistic expectations of yourself and others.  When resolutions are not achieved at the end of the year, it is often because losing 20kg or getting a pay increment of 2,000 may not be achieveable in the first place.  This is not to say you should not set stretch goals but not so stretched that it is impossible to get to.  So stretched that you would have set yourself up for failure on the first day.

May 2010 be a year of met expectations and satisfied souls!

Growing Old

Calvin:"Why do adults do things so slowly? You'd think the older you get, the more you'd try to cram in because you'd know you've got less time left...By the time I'm old geezer like Dad I'll be going like crazy."
Hobbes:"Oh great!"

Pure logic right?  Less time, go faster...but why do we see the reverse?

I recently saw a video of a 75 year old woman, Paddy Jones, who danced acrobatic salsa in a Spanish talent show.  She said in the interview that she was looking for something to pass time.  To pass time, folks!  I mean she could have taken up cooking or sewing or the likes - but she took on something she loved - dancing.  And boy did she take it to a whole new level!

I was truly inspired by her willingness to put herself out there and do the things she really wanted to do.  75 year old - she definitely did not have time on her side.  But instead of focusing on the lack of time, she focus on how she can achieve what she wanted to achieve in whatever time she has left.  Everyone has certain stereotypes about how people of a certain age should behave - but who is to say we cannot break those stereotypes?

My own godfather, is 73 years of age.  He swims 3 times a week, jogs for another 2.  He also goes on regular diving trips in places that I didn't even know existed!  The last time I talked to him, he told me that he is getting too old for diving.  Then he said in jest that perhaps he should go try out sky diving now!  Blew my mind!  That is the attitude I want to wear!

Who is to dictate the way I grow old?  Should I not make sure the time I have left is lived to the fullest?  Doing the things I want to do not what I should be doing?  In fact, I should not wait for a "certain" age before doing that.  Carpe diem, my friends!

I want to live life, like there is no tomorrow!  And I want to do it now...I don't have to do sky diving or dance acrobatic salsa.  All I have to do is be true to myself and spend most of the time doing the things that really matter to me.  Granted it may take me a while to get there since I still have a growing family, but that does not mean I cannot start with baby steps today!

So stop surfing the net and start surfing your life!