How to manage our self images

Last Saturday, I went clothes shopping with my dear husband.

Yes you heard that right, my husband actually went clothes shopping with me.  After he bought a shirt on sale that he liked, he encouraged me to look around for new clothes.

I must provide some background - you see, while I would love to spend my whole afternoon in a supermarket, gawking at the fresh fruits and vegetables, I dislike clothes shopping and shoe shopping and all garment related shopping.  I would just go into a shop, take a sweeping look, and then decide if I would buy anything.  If I do decide to buy something, I do not compare prices at another shop, see if I could find anything nicer, try it on with 3 different pants, or continue to mope around the shop.  I would just go straight to the cashier and pay for it.

It was no different last Saturday except, I have been struggling a bit lately with my self image.  After every one of my first 3 kids, I would spring back to my pre-pregnancy weight (note: weight not figure) in a month or less.  After my last kid, I have had a hard time losing the weight.  To make matters worse, I put on even more.  I had tried to control portion sizes and even try to exercise.  These are shortlived and I had to deal with the defeat of not being able to reduce my weight.  The feeling of disaapointment with myself can only be matched with the feeling of having a bad self image.  Don't get me wrong, I am only talking physical self image - other areas, I am still relatively secure.  This one area just escapes me somehow. 

I dread the experience of putting on the clothes I like but just could not fit in.  I often have to ask for the largest size clothes or shoes.  I am born with a big frame and in Asia, most clothes on sale are for small to medium frames.  I can only look to imported clothes from Western countries, in hope that I can find something that would fit. 

I ended up buying 4 pieces of clothing from Marks and Spencer (hurray not the largest size), all for $197.  To be honest, I felt quite good about it.  I had taken my time to really make sure I liked what I was going to buy.  I tried to look at the clothes in a different way.  I tried to change the way I shop that day.  I must admit, for a little while, I actually felt triumphant in buying what looked good on me.

This experience then helped me to realise that there are many things I can do to manage my self image.  Here are some that I have been using and others that I will try in the days to come.

1  Change the way we think about clothes
The Chinese have a saying,"Men needs to wear clothes, buddhas need to wear gold."  If we think of clothes as objects that will improve the way we look, the way we feel about ourselves and the way people look and treat us, then they are not simply functional.  It is worth time and effort in finding the right clothes.  There is no need to slurge but there is absolute need in finding clothes that suit and fit us.  This will in turn then improve our self image.

2  Positive self talk
If we keep telling ourselves we look bad, then naturally we will feel bad.  Instead, we should look beyond the physical covering and discover other good things about ourselves.  This way, we can then increase our positive self talk and improve our mental state of our self image.

3  Have an actual plan
For the last 2 weeks, I have been consciously decreasing my carbohydrate intake and increasing my fruits, vegetables and whole grains intake.  I am also trying to eat more often in the day and with smaller portions.  It is encouraging to report that I have small successes in reducing my weight.  Therefore, have an actual plan to address the problem area; be it weight loss, to reduce stress or to improve our general mental well being.  Read blogs, browse related books, talk to friends - these resources normally would help us formulate a plan.

4  Slow down
This gives us a chance to appreciate where we are in our lives and be proud of what we have achieved.  Carrying a bit more weight is probably not that big a deal in the big scheme of things.  Have a break, a cup of tea or meditate.  I pray, and that really helps to keep things into perspective.

5  Talk about it
One of the things I probably should have done was confide in my dear husband. He would have provided the support I needed or be an active part in my self image journey.  Finding someone we trust to share our fears will alleviate the insecurity and inferiority that may pepper our daily lives.  Talk to our spouses, friends, co-workers or even a counsellor.  Talking about a fear will significantly reduce its size.

After my last clothes shopping experience, I am continuing to execute my plan, slow down and breathe.  I have every faith in myself that I will be able to overcome this insecurity. In the meantime, I think I should probably go talk to my dear husband now before he sees this post.

The Gift

It is a gift to be parents.

I am grateful for having this gift bestowed upon me 4 times. 4 lovely babies, 4 times the joy.

I sometimes forget how blessed I am and how great God is. When I am dragged down by life or by work, I forget that I have 4 concrete proof that really, nothing else is important. When I turn inward with selfishness, with self-pity, I could not see the loving eyes, the hugs and kisses, the simple need to be around their mother. I lock them out.

I squander this gift when I do that. I disconnect from my children. The inability to respond sometimes have me guilt ridden for days on end. My children never give up. They keep trying to connect, sometimes turned away by me, but they always come back.

If I am not careful, one day, they will get tired and they will turn away from me, from God.

I admire my DH. He turns off the stresses and pain of daily life off as soon as he enters our home. He plays with the children despite having the worst work day of the week, despite knowing that he probably have to work late into the night, and despite his physical tiredness. He is my role model and I try to emulate him. I succeed sometimes and I fall others.

Please God, help me to see beyond myself, my ego, to receive the love and blessings You so generously shower upon me. Let me never give up and let my children never turn away from me and from You.

Amen.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 12 June, 2009.

The Evil Necessity of Business Trips

Business trips are necessary, especially for the small island of Singapore. 

"Go out into the world and find your fortune", said the mother of the 3 little pigs.

The world has shrunk.  The advancement of the aviation industry has made business travel easier than it has ever been in the past.  From Singapore, you only need to travel 1 hour to get to Kuala Lumpur, 5 hours to Beijing and 8 to Sydney.  Business is no longer conducted at home.  Face to face meetings are preferred over the less personal conference call or emails whenever possible.  "Business Traveller" or "Road Warrior" is now a label that a lot of us working mothers have added to our many roles.

And I hate every business trip that I have ever been on.  There I said it. 

I am not sure about you, but being away from my family for days, and at times for weeks, is not something I look forward to.  My friends and family would comfort me, saying it would be a good break from the kids.  I even joked that perhaps I can finally get a night's of uninterrupted sleep.  I certainly enjoyed the shopping, late night outs with co-workers and sometimes even the sight-seeing.

However, there are 2 parts of a business trip that I dislike.

1 The Flying
I am afraid of flying.  No, I do not get cold sweat or grab tightly to my seat or cling on to my fellow passenger.  I do not need a drink or a pill.  The reason I am afraid of flying is that I am afraid that I will never see my dear husband and my family ever again.  I know I probably have more chances of dying in a road accident, but being in a sealed tin can 3,000 miles above the ground does not evoke feelings of peace for me.

2 The Hotel
Since I work for a US multi-national company, the hotels that we use are reputable ones.  Nice ones.  With lovely branded bath foams and huge LCD wall-mounted TVs.  But what I hate is the feeling I get when I return to an empty room.  I have had a hard day's at work and all I can return to is an empty room.  No hugs, no kisses and certainly no kids clinging onto my every limb.  It seemed to make my work meaningless.

And to make matters worse, we now have to contend with the possiblility that we may be terrorised.  When I saw the news report of the Jarkata bombings a few days ago and how Singaporeans were hurt, it just hit home to how it could also happen to me.

So, every time my plane lands in Singapore, I say a quiet prayer.  Thank you for taking be back safe and sound.  It is at this moment that I appreciate deeply what I have now and how far I have come in my life.  I would be conscious of not taking my dear husband for granted and spending quality time with my kids.  I would be happy eating simple home cooked meals instead of massive hotel buffets.  I would even go as far as enjoying the warm weather here instead of dressing myself in mutiple layers before going out into the cold winters.

Well, perhaps business trips are not as bad as I thought they were.  After all, they do make me see things that I often over look in my busy daily life.

The Lift Incident

As the littlest one was getting better, my dear husband was taking him for a ride this morning while sending my eldest to school. 

As everyone was getting dressed, number 4 (I used to think using numbers was appalling but then turned out it was just easier this way) was excited and took out his squeaky shoes (which my dear husband hated) and started to put them on.  He was doing quite well except he got them on the wrong feet.  So I took over and helped him.  I then told him to follow number 1 to the lift lobby just outside our flat.  He happily bobbed out and then I made the first mistake of the day.

I turned my head to talk to number 3, who walked into the living room.

By the time my dear husband got out into the lobby, number 4 was gone.  Number 1 however, was still standing there.  When asked where his little brother is, he then exclaimed, "Oh my God! I think he went into the lift!"

By himself.

By then, we were frantic, I practically screamed at my husband to run down the stairs to see where the lift stops, while I had my eyes glued on lift display to see where it stops.  I screamed at the top of my voices down the stairway to my husband that it stopped at the 4th floor.  So when I saw the lift coming up, I thought he had gotten to number 4 and was bringing him up.

Of course, it was not.  The lift doors opened and it was a neighbour with her son - and my runaway son.  She then proceeded to give me a dressing down on how it had frightened her to see a 2 year child ALONE in the lift.  And that we were so lucky that her son recognized number 4 and knew that he lived on the 11th floor.

I am not sure I thanked her but the sense of relief I felt was indescribable.  He was not crying but he was spotting an upturned mouth. 

I guess I can now mentally log that this is first time he took the lift by himself.

Do you have any heart-stopping moments with your kids?

Ever had a sick kid at home?

Ever had a sick kid at home?  Since I have 4 kids, my chances of getting that regularly is probably higher than the normal household.  In Singapore, it is very uncommon to have 4 kids in one household.  Most families only have 2 or perhaps 3.  More couples are opting to only have 1 child or not have any at all.

Back to sick kids, I had one in the last few days.  He is recovering but it had upset our family's routine.  This is the reason why this post is late.  For the first 2 nights that he was sick, he was not comfortable and was waking up every 15 mins.  Yes you heard me right.  Every 15 mins.  At the end of the 2 nights, my dear husband and I were running on fumes.

I guess the real question behind this post is then, ever had a sick kid and still have to turn up for a important client meeting in the late afternoon?  Well, I had to do it yesterday after the 2 sleepless nights.  I was amazed that I could still funtion and only needed a cup of coffee before the meeting to keep me awake.  Surprisingly the meeting went well.

By the time I got back home, my head felt light and I was crashing.  I went to bed at 8pm and was out like a light for the rest of the night.  My dear husband, I found out this morning, was trying to keep my sick kid from waking me up.  He also stayed up until 1am to fix up the computer for the kid's homework and to write a letters to terminate some educational services that they do not need anymore.

All in all you can see all the challenges that working parents have to face whenever there is a sick kid at home.  I am just glad he is getting better so we can get back to our usual routine.  And then there is the lift incident this morning...which I am saving for the next post.

"No," I said to my daughter, "I'm sorry but I can't.".  She had requested to do a family activity before bedtime. 

Now to put things into perspective, the regular bedtime in my household is 9pm for the kids.  It was 9.30pm when she asked.  The late bedtime is due to the fact that the family had visited THE newest location to visit - Marina Barrage - in the afternoon, followed by dinner out at a Japanese restaurant.

She then proceeded to sulk and stamped her feet to her bed.  Later, on she complained to her father that we have not done that specific family activity for a while.  My dear husband proceeded to soothe and comfort her, while massive amount of guilt then built up in my heart.  I then shaked my head and stood firm in my decision.

The reason I said no, was because I wanted to protect the couple time we had after the kids go to bed.  This is fiercely guarded by me as I realised that if we don't respect this time, then as a couple, we will not have time alone.  "After 9pm" is a time slot that I treasure and look forward to.  Sometimes we may do our own things quietly; other times, we may do some planning together; but most times we spend the time together, watching TV with a glass of wine in hand.  This makes sure that even in the hustle and bustle of our family life, we still remember that our marriage comes before the children.

What did she just say?  Yes, make no mistake about it, I place my marriage before my children.  If the pillars of the family are weak, then how can the family be strong?  Only when my marriage is thriving that my children would have a secure and loving environment to grow up in.  We will then be setting a good examples for them to follow when they one day become someone else's spouses.

If I were to put my children first, over the years, my marriage would deteriorate.  Even if the big D word never cross our lips, by the time we retire, we will be ready to go our separate ways.  I will wake up one morning and wonder who is this person sleeping next to me.  I want to remember the reason we got married every single day; I want to keep our love and passion alive; I want to grow old with my dear husband.

So whenever I have to make a decision to choose, then more often then not, I will choose to spend time with my dear husband. 

I hear him coming out of the shower, so until the next post...

My Favourite Quotes

Here are 10 of the most inspiring quotes for a working mother like me.  May they put the fire back in you and inspire you to take what you are doing with your work and family further than ever before!

"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary."
- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to."
- N. Smith

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You can't help getting old, but you don't have to get old."
- George Burns

"Whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free . . . your true self comes out. "
- Tina Turner

"The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."
- Jill Churchill

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
- Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
- Mignon McLaughlin

"For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe."
- Anonymous

"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
—Don Kardong 

How to draw the line between work and home

That's the million dollar question for us working mothers!

It is often very difficult to compartmentalise.  This is not something I do very naturally.  I have to consciously make the effort to remember and draw the line.  I fall down often on this point - I allowed my stress at work to spill over into my home life and less times, the other way.  It helps me to do something deliberately to remind myself.  Here are some of my ways to stop work from invading into my home life, perhaps you have your ways to share?

1 Shut down my laptop
When I have finished my day's work, I shut down my laptop instead of putting it on hibernate or standby mode.  This helps to tell me work is done and let's start to have a life.

2 Put my work mobile on silent mode
Most times when I finish work, I either put my work mobile on silent mode.  Sometimes I go to the extend of not responding to work SMS'es and calls, especially if they are not urgent.  This will draw the line for me and others that this is my private time - do not disturb.

3 Stop for a relaxation activity before going home
I try to do this especially when I am having a particularly difficult time at work.  A coffee, an express manicure or even just window shopping would help me leave the difficult emotions and mood, and calm myself down before I meet my kids or husband.  Yesterday, my husband dragged me off to a dart bar to have a quick drink with a few friends and a couple of dart games.  I did not even realised I needed it! 

4 Have a shower first
This is one that is the easiest to implement and the one I often forget about.  After greeting my family, before I get involved in anything, I would have a shower first (we like showers more than baths in Singapore).  This is metaphorically washing all that of work and refresh me to enjoy my home life.

5 Go for a run
I am most lazy to do this one, but this has contributed to some really good results.  If I get home early enough, I would change into my gear, put on some blasting music on my iPod and go for a run round my neighbourhood.  Even if it is just 15 mins, it gives me energy and relaxes me.  I also get my day's exercise in.

Now if I would just do what I preach...

The Challenge of a Working Mother

I have 4 kids and a full time job.  Every single day is a challenge, an adventure.  In this little island in the far East, our fast paced lives and the social norm of having a dual income family, has changed the dynamics of the traditional view of a family.  I grew up in a family of 3 kids, mom is a full time housewife until we were teenagers.  Even when she started working, she was there to ensure that we maintain the normality of a traditional family.

As I try to do that for my own kids, who by the way have ages ranging from 1.5 to 9.5 years old, I find it most frustrating.  Then I found out from my friends and colleagues, that they do have the same frustrating experience.  My husband is a pretty hands on father, and he too finds time lacking and quality not up to what he would like.

Over the 10 years that I have been a mother, I also had to deal with the full time job that I have - datelines, meetings, reports.  Every day is a constant tug of war, a delicate balance that I have to find. Somedays I do good, others not so, and there are some days that I hope I never have to experience ever again in my life.

Nevertheless, here are some things that I do to keep my sanity and my balance between work and family.

1 Keep work at work and home at home
It is so important to leave my work at the door and be really present for my family.  I am still struggling with this one as I try to keep the 2 parts of my life separate.  On days that I am able to, I feel great about myself that I am able to keep in control.  Draw the line and compartmentalise your work and your home.

2 Let go of the guilt
As I had the luxury of working from home a month after my first child was born until my third was a year old, it was very difficult for me when I had to go back to the office when my fourth was 4 months old.  I felt guilty about spending time away from all my children and having less time for them.  I realise that guilt is not helping me but dragging me down - I overcompensate or I have difficulty managing my emotions.  I now try to find ways to maintain a balance and also make sure that I have quality interactions with them.  Let go of the guilt - don't waste your emotions.

3 Don't forget your husband
My husband is my best friend and soulmate.  If I don't pay attention to my relationship with him, I would have overlooked perhaps the most important part of my life, next to God.  I try to spend time with him having meals together, dates and doing our all time favourite activity - watching TV.  If you have to choose spending time with your husband or your children, choose your husband everytime.  A good marriage pave way for a good family.  Best gift for your kids.

4 Don't forget yourself
How do I stretch that 24 hours to include myself?  I barely have enough for work, kids and husband.  One advice - just do it.  If I don't then I would have shortchanged all my love ones and my career.  Only when I take care of myself can I produce good work and a well managed family life.  Even 1 hour a week works wonders for me.  Take the Nike advice and just do it.

5 Pray
Praying works for me and perhaps for you, it is meditation.  I guess my point is to have a place to park your worries and cares.  No, it does not mean that I will behave irresponsibly.  It is just a means of temporarily freeing your mind and refresh your soul.  This way, I get energise and refocused to continue the journey.

What do you do to keep that balance?