Family Resolutions

Okay, last day of the year...last ditch effort to fulfill 2009 resolutions.  Time to also make the 2010 ones.

Two days ago, I initiated a family resolutions making session.  Everyone in the family who can understand the concept was asked to come up with activities that we can do as a family.   I tried this before last 3 months of 2009 and it worked really well.  An additional column was added to each activity to track the date that we achieved it.

This is our list.  We came up with 15 so that we would have 1 for every month and 3 extra.

1. Go to Wild Wild Wet. 


2. Play a family board game.


3. Go to the playground.


4. Go to Hollywood Dinos at Jurong Bird Park.


5. Read the book, "Raising Your Family EQ".


6. Create a family blog.


7. Go overseas on a family trip.


8. Eat durians in an open air durian cafe.


9. Watch a movie together.


10. Have a barbeque.


11. Cook/Bake together.


12. Go to Sentosa for a short weekend trip.


13. Go to a new park.


14. Go for a family pinic.


15. Go fishing.

What does your family like to do together?  Make a list and at the end of the year, celebrate your family spirit!

Great Expectations

As the year closes and the new year comes upon us, did 2009 meet your expectations?  What expectations do you have of 2010?

Did you get the promotion at work or the raise you expected?  Did you close the deal you were hoping to close before the year end?  Did you change your job?

Did your kids' results from the year end exams meet your expectations?  Did the renovations for the new house finish on time?  Did your investments recover as much as you expected?  Did your husband buy what you wanted for your birthday?

I have expectations of myself and others that I want met.  Of course, life being life, these are either not met at all or not met quite the same way I wanted.  The world cannot revolve around me and not everything will go my way, if ever.  These then contributed to the built up of disappointments that may then change my attitude towards life or to others around me.

When my kids don't get ready in time for school in the morning, I end up yelling and screaming for them to hustle.  I neglect to see that they cannot read my mind and thus, do not know that today I have an early morning meeting and need to be early at work.

When the ballet school teacher failed to tell me that my daughter's ballet lesson was canceled, I threw a fit in the car about how irresponsible and unorganised she was.  What I should have been doing was to celebrate the good fortune of having an extra hour of free time!

When my dear husband suggested eating out, forgetting that I had previously planned to cook lunch, I sulked and agreed grudgingly instead of appreciating the opportunity to enjoy the outing.

When I could not carve out the time from my busy life to write a post, I deemed myself lazy and unmotivated, instead of realising that I was doing pretty good for a working mother with 4 kids.

Mismanaged expectations often go out of control and either change us to something prickly and unlikeable, or prevent us from living life in the now.  Instead of focusing on the "unmet" or "mis-met" expecations, one should really just expect the unexpected, expect things to go wrong, and treat every single one of the met expectations like a bonus.

Easy to say, hard to do. 

In the rare moments that I manage this feat, the bliss and peace I feel is priceless. 

In this new year, I urge you to set realistic expectations of yourself and others.  When resolutions are not achieved at the end of the year, it is often because losing 20kg or getting a pay increment of 2,000 may not be achieveable in the first place.  This is not to say you should not set stretch goals but not so stretched that it is impossible to get to.  So stretched that you would have set yourself up for failure on the first day.

May 2010 be a year of met expectations and satisfied souls!

Growing Old

Calvin:"Why do adults do things so slowly? You'd think the older you get, the more you'd try to cram in because you'd know you've got less time left...By the time I'm old geezer like Dad I'll be going like crazy."
Hobbes:"Oh great!"

Pure logic right?  Less time, go faster...but why do we see the reverse?

I recently saw a video of a 75 year old woman, Paddy Jones, who danced acrobatic salsa in a Spanish talent show.  She said in the interview that she was looking for something to pass time.  To pass time, folks!  I mean she could have taken up cooking or sewing or the likes - but she took on something she loved - dancing.  And boy did she take it to a whole new level!

I was truly inspired by her willingness to put herself out there and do the things she really wanted to do.  75 year old - she definitely did not have time on her side.  But instead of focusing on the lack of time, she focus on how she can achieve what she wanted to achieve in whatever time she has left.  Everyone has certain stereotypes about how people of a certain age should behave - but who is to say we cannot break those stereotypes?

My own godfather, is 73 years of age.  He swims 3 times a week, jogs for another 2.  He also goes on regular diving trips in places that I didn't even know existed!  The last time I talked to him, he told me that he is getting too old for diving.  Then he said in jest that perhaps he should go try out sky diving now!  Blew my mind!  That is the attitude I want to wear!

Who is to dictate the way I grow old?  Should I not make sure the time I have left is lived to the fullest?  Doing the things I want to do not what I should be doing?  In fact, I should not wait for a "certain" age before doing that.  Carpe diem, my friends!

I want to live life, like there is no tomorrow!  And I want to do it now...I don't have to do sky diving or dance acrobatic salsa.  All I have to do is be true to myself and spend most of the time doing the things that really matter to me.  Granted it may take me a while to get there since I still have a growing family, but that does not mean I cannot start with baby steps today!

So stop surfing the net and start surfing your life!

House Hunting Adventure

Note : This is a guest post from Dear Husband, who painstakingly put this Very Useful post together.  Thanks Dar!

Having just completed the exhilarating exercise of purchasing a private property in Singapore, I find it to be a much wilder adventure than buying a HDB flat. It was an eye opener and a learning experience for me, and I would like to share in here what I have learnt.

The Prep

Do your homework first before you start your house hunting. Read up on the rules and regulations that will affect your purchase. If you currently own a HDB flat, can you sell your flat or own a second property? If you are a foreigner, what are your restrictions? If you are a resident, how much CPF can you use? Trust me, these documentation are not easy to find. And the frequent changes to the regulations make things even more confusing. In my case, several sources (property agents, friends, etc) had told me different versions about how much CPF money I could and could not use. If in doubt, do not be afraid to approach the relevant authorities directly at their office counters, through emails or enquiry lines.

Also, talk to several banks to learn about their home loan packages. There are a few things you need to find out: the difference between fixed- and variable-rates packages, lock-in periods, the maximum loan percentage, and the loan tenure. Ask their advices on the upper limit of the property price you should target, based on your family income and expenses. Are there any extra perks if you also sign up for their renovation package? If you have also signed up for some other accounts in that bank, are there any inter-linked benefits?

Finances

Financing a property is not as simple as it seems, if you want to get more bang for your buck. Typically there are two portions to the financing: the loan, and the balance cash (including CPF). For the loan portion, you have to decide how much loan to borrow, whether to go with fixed or variable interest rates, and how long to lock in your loan. Make some projection of your current and future financial status as well. For example, if you do not foresee any realistic possibility in making a substantial repayment of the loan in the next two year, it may be a good idea to go for a two-year lock-in period to reduce the interest. As for the cash portion, a commonly overlooked figure is the various taxes and fees (such as stamp duties). Some may also consider taking up a bridging loan to temporarily cover the balance cash. But whatever financial instruments you sign yourself up for, always go in with your eyes wide open and understand what you are getting into.

Hunting Plan

It is impossible to visit every listing on the market. Are you going to engage an agent (with a fee, of course) to scout for you, or do it yourself? If you are planning to pour through the classified ads, Saturday Straits Times is a must-read. The Internet is also a good source. I personally like http://www.iproperty.com.sg/, http://www.propertyguru.com.sg/ and http://www.streetsine.com/, where properties are listed on a map. StreetSine.com has a very interesting feature called StreetSine Quality Index (SQI) for each listed property, which rates the convenience of the property’s amenities in terms of trains, supermarkets, schools etc.

Make a list of the important criteria you are looking for, like transport, amenities, food, number of bedrooms, price, etc. That will help you to zoom in faster to what you want. If you are new to property hunting, I suggest this: in the beginning, go for a few open-house of properties that you think roughly fit your requirements, and get a few of what to look out for in a property. Then gradually, filter and amend your criteria as you go along.

One criterion whose importance is sometimes overlooked or understated is the property tenure: 99-year or freehold.
http://www.iproperty.com.sg/iexpert/Question.aspx?ID=500 gives a good comparison between the two.
The Leasehold Table in http://www.sla.gov.sg/doc/faq/How%20DP%20is%20calculated.pdf will also give an indication of the depreciation of leasehold property against freehold.

Eventually, you will be clear enough about what you want, and you will have learnt how to read the fine prints in property advertisements. Then you can just browse through market listings from the comfort of your home, and only visit those that are closer matches to what you desire. You will save more time this way. When you are viewing a property that turns out to be unsuitable, be open to share with the marketing agent the criteria you are searching for. You never know, but the agent may have another property up his or her sleeve that is exactly what you are looking for.

For Self-Stay

There are many houses you just cannot help falling in love with. And there are the impulsive buyers who are enamored, take a mental snapshot of themselves in that beautiful house, and put down a cheque right away. What they do not imagine, is a mental video of themselves living in the house, in the neighbourhood, going to and from work, sending their children to and from school. A heavenly house may turn out to be hellish to live in. I know of more than a few friends who bought a house on one end of the island and travel daily to the other end to work or fetch their children to their caretaker. So, if you intend to stay in your new property, prioritize your criteria carefully, and stick to the plan. Give yourself a cool-off period before signing on the dotted line.

Voila!

When you have found “the one”, make good use of the cool-off period to also research on your property of desire. Is it worth the asking price? Compare its price per square foot (PSF) to those in the same project, and to other similar ones in the neighbourhood. It will be even better if you can find the price at which the current owner bought the property you like; you would then have a better gauge of the bottom-line in negotiating the price. https://www.ura.gov.sg/real_estate/main.jsp allows you to search for any property transactions in recent years. You can also buy a Home Report from http://www.streetsine.com/ that gives you many interesting information and analysis of any property. The report also includes details such as the official property size; this once saved me from being conned by a seller agent who claimed a certain property was bigger than it really was. From the URA website, you can also check up recent transactions with caveats lodged to ensure that the property has not just been sold. Property scams are not unheard of, so it pays to perform due diligence check on it. http://www.iras.gov.sg/irasHome/quickLinksListing.aspx?typeID=804&id=870&cid=324 also allows you to check the owners and annual value of a property to make sure whoever is attempting to sell you the property has the right to do so.

Other details you may want to find out before making a decision are its regular maintenance fees (for apartments and condominiums), and its valuation. The property valuation affects how much you can loan from a bank, so if your banker valuates the property at a lower sum, you can ask the agent who is marketing the property. Most marketing agents will have lined up a list of banks that can match up to their valuation. And if you are looking at en bloc resale opportunities for a condominium, or rebuilding or extending a landed property, you will have to find out the property’s plot ratio (more on this later) and height limit. A good source is the URA Master Plan, found in http://www.ura.gov.sg/. The Master Plan will also show any major planned changes to the neighbourhood that may affect the future value of the property. Some experienced buyers will also attempt to find out about the developer of the property to check if they have a history of development quality complaints.

Finally, keep in mind that whatever trends and analysis you extracted from your research are subjective to individual circumstances, and plans are often subjected to unforeseen changes, so you will still have to exercise your own judgment from case to case.

Other Tips & Information

I found this article to be insightful:
http://www.hotvictory.com/ten_deadly_mistakes_that_buyer.htm.

http://condo.singaporeexpats.com/ provides comprehensive information on condominiums and apartments in Singapore, including a very extensive database of floor plans and site maps. You can easily determine if the unit layout suits your need before even visiting the place. However, physically viewing a unit of interest is extremely important, to see the context and environment which is not reflected in a floor plan. At the very least, visualize how the unit fit into the site map and what are the units and facilities around that unit. I have seen ground floor units with the common swimming pool leading right up to its living room window sill; imagine how noisy it will be when you’re watching TV. I have visited a unit that, on the floor plan, looked very nice with a wide balcony and big roof terrace, only to find out that the is inset into the block such that the balcony is flanked by the long walls of the neighbouring units and the viewing angle is just about 90 degrees wide! And what was worse, the roof terrace actually overlooked the roof gutter of the neighour unit, filled with dried leaves and rubbish. So, if possible, try to see for yourself what you are planning to buy.

Plot area, in a nutshell, stipulates how much living space (GFA) is allowed on a specific plot of land. http://www.ura.gov.sg/circulars/text/dcdgfahb_d0e4.htm specifies exactly how to compute Gross Floor Area (GFA) and Plot Ratio. For example, with an allowable plot ratio of 2.0 for a 5,000 sqft land, you can build a 2-storey house or condominium, with each storey exactly 5,000 sqft wide; or you can build a 4-storey house with each storey 2,500 sqft wide. So, this means that if you buy a condominium in a project that has not reached its maximum plot ratio, there is a possibility that some developer will want to buy the project site en-bloc and then redevelop it to a high plot ratio.

That sums up my adventure in hunting for a house. I wish you all the best in your hunt too.

Keeping the connection with your family while travelling

This week is unusual for us.  Both dear husband and I are travelling on business, and will be in different countries;  him in Tokyo and I will be in Kuala Lumpur.  I cannot remember the last time this happened.  And of course, our lovely children will be in Singapore.

Funny how, I feel time deprived when I am in Singapore.  I yearned for more time in the day and time to do things that I would do for myself.  I would love a more leisurely morning or have a bit more sleep.  Perhaps finish up sorting out our family photos without being interrupted every 5 minutes.

Then I would travel for business and have all the time in the world (other than work, of course).  And I would miss the crazy life back in Singapore.  I miss dear husband and my kids.  I would return to the hotel room and have dinner alone, watch "Law and Order" until late and long to hold my kids and kiss them good night.

Last night, I had a business dinner and it ran late.  I could not call my kids as they were already asleep.  So as of now, I am suffering a bit from being not connected to them for about 24 hours now.  Luckily, I was able to exchange my day with dear husband via instant messaging.  That helped a bit.

So this morning I did a bit of research on the ways people keep connected with their family while travelling.  There were so many suggestions and here are some that I think were awesome.  Enjoy, I have!

http://www.vagabondish.com/communication-traveling-skype-cell-phones-calling-cards/

http://www.eurocheapo.com/blog/tips-for-staying-in-touch-while-traveling-abroad.html

http://matadorabroad.com/how-to-stay-in-touch-with-kids-while-traveling/

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2144987/top_5_ways_to_stay_in_touch_with_friends.html?cat=16

http://www.havepack.com/keeping-in-touch-while-traveling/

Time

"There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing." - Brian Tracy

Time.  Something I don't have enough.  Too many things to do and too little time.

Or, that is the excuse I give myself.

Recently, I saw a video that showed a Japanese man, got up, prepared breakfast, got dressed and ate breakfast and out of the door for work, in 4 minutes and 52 seconds.  In the video, he invented a lot of shortcuts to get things done e.g. how to brush teeth and wear your pants at the same time (I have pigued your interest there :) ).  It was pretty funny when I saw it.

Really, there is enough time but I just need to PRIORITISE.  Big word, but what does it mean?  It means I have to be time-disciplined (not sure if this is an official term, but if not, you heard it here first!).  I have to pull myself away from the facebook games that I am currently addicted to and write this post.  I have to hang out the laundry first so while the clothes are drying, I can sweep the floor.  It means I have to stop doing laundry or sweeping the floor and answer the question that my 4 year old is asking.

Time-discipline means that I have to do the most important thing first and go down the list.  Whenever a more important thing arises, I do that thing first.  That's easy, but why do I have so much trouble?

There are 2 main reasons:

1. Distractions
   The Internet, a TV program, a messy house - these things distract me from finishing the most important things.


2. Avoidance
   The most important things normally take patience and time and sometimes, tedious.  So I avoid doing them.  I tend to do the easy-to-complete (read: unimportant) things first, leaving precious little time to do the really important things.

Not hard really.  Just a very conscious effort to do the most important things first.

Children See. Children Do.

This powerful video came to me in facebook from a friend sharing.  When I saw this, I remember all the times my children were watching me - behaving well and behaving badly.  This is not just for parents, but for ALL adults.

How much do we really love our kids?  Do we love them enough to show them how we can make the world a better place?

Will you change the way you live your life now?

There is a new TV series which has caught Dear Husband's eye, called "Flash Forward".  Essentially, the story is about how the world blacked out AT THE SAME TIME, everyone, for 2 minutes and 17 seconds.  In this short time, almost everyone is shown a scene from their own future,not now but in 6 months time, the date of 29 April, 2010.

It is an interesting "what if?" show.  One of the characters in the show saw herself with a man, not her husband in that future vision; her husband saw a vision of someone plotting ot kill him.  I could not help but thought to myself, what if it was me having the glimpse into my future?

If I do see a glimpse of my future, would I change the way I live my life now? 

Would each of the decisions I make as a working mother change? 

Would I scold my kids less and forgive myself more? 

Would I work less and play more? 

Would I be relaxed more and let go of control more? 

Would I want less and be happy more?

What if I were to die tomorrow? What would I do then?

These are great questions to ask myself as a modern working mother.  I then to be bogged down by the day to day that I forget to look at the big picture.  What really matters in the end?

Life

I am 36 and have since lost 3 friends to life for 3 different reasons.

J was my secondary school classmate. I remember him to be one of the top performers in class. Me...I was mediocre and when the O levels draw near, he offered to help a group of us. He was quiet and silent in his ways. He came from a poor family and does not have a home phone which was very rare 20 years ago.

We parted ways and did not really kept in touch when we entered university. I heard he got a scholarship and went to Cambridge. I attended a class gathering during that time, and he was there. He was even more unusual then. He also told me he found God but I could tell he was not happy.

Years later, I heard he checked himself into Woodbridge to cope with his depression. I heard he did not do well in Cambridge and could not cope with the failure. He did some jobs but was not able to cope with life in general.

One morning on my way to breakfast with my mum, we saw my family electrician walking towards us. He did not seem to see us and was holding something in his hands. My mum then called him and he pulled out a photo of J and said that J was his elder son. J had jumped off a building not far from where we were staying. I was shocked to find out the relationship and also very much affected seeing J's photo and finding out this way. It was Valentine's day and I had the ugly job of informing all my friends. Some of us went to the funeral but I did not.

S was my senior in the course that I was taking. He always had his Ray Bans with him and never did what he was told. He was the ultimate cool bean in class and all the girls swooned over him, despite his average looks.

He was smart and never really had to study too hard to do well. He was active in a student organisation that I was also a part of. He was crazy about Calvin and Hobbes and had the rest of us crazy about it as well. He was a very close friend and he helped me through the difficult times during my uni days. He also took me to the Science prom and remembered he bought me a single rose. I never had romantic notions about S but he certainly was the big brother I never had.

I loved him so when that phone call came to tell me that he was killed in an accident years after we graduated, the sadness and regrets all came crashing down. We kept in touch now and then but we stopped being in each other's life. He was trying to navigate a bend in the rain when he crashed onto a tree. He was instantly killed.

Looking down at S's lifeless body in the coffin, with the handiwork of the embalmer who had the job of making an accident victim look "repaired", tears rolled down my face.

I knew C the longest, since we were 13. We were never close individually but as a team with the other members of our class, we were tight. Even as we grew up into our adult skins, we never really lost touch as once in a while someone would organise a reunion.

C was great at basketball despite his big size and very fast on the court. He was the eldest in class (in terms of actual brithdate) and so we called him "Lao Da" for the "eldest one". He was quiet and did well enough to enter the polytechnic of his choice. What I did not know that when he was doing his National Service, he was diagnosed with diabetes.

The last time I met and talk to him which was during a wedding of a classmate, D, in the same class, he admitted that he was young and stupid and did not really care to take care of his condition. He ate as he liked and did not take medications. Subsequently, he lost one of his leg, knee downwards, to gangrene. He was wearing a prosthetic while tell us this story at the wedding. While I was shocked to find out, I encouraged him and even told him we need to meet again for a gathering.

I accidently found out about his death from D's facebook. I was very angry and resentful of D for not telling us. Apparently, later on D admitted that he too found out from another friend, who also found out by accident. He did not even thought to inform us. Again, I delivered the bad news to the group. One of our other friends who knew C's parents visited them. It was more than a month after by then. C was not feeling well and was sick in bed when he started to feel breathless. He was sent to the hospital and the doctor said that although his heart was weak, he was stablised. He died that night of complications with his family around him.

It was hard coping with the loss as DH was on a business trip when I found out. I still have not visited the columbarium to see him. I am not sure I can stand seeing his picture and not him.

If I have learnt anything from my 3 friends, I learnt that life is unpredictable and things can all change in an instant. I now kiss my DH and kids goodbye and always make an effort to patch things up before we part. I do not know if I will be seeing them tonight and I want to make sure we part on a good note, with no regrets.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 10 March, 2009.

Sleep Deprivation

I read somewhere on a women's magazine that for every child that grows up to 18 years old, the parents would have lost 5 years worth of sleep.  I have 4 kids so, mathematicians out there, please help to figure out how many years worth of sleep I would have lost just by having them.

10 years ago, with the birth of my first baby, my relationship with a good night's sleep has been elusive.  I now have what the experts would call long term sleep deprivation or that I have a sleep debt.  I do better some days with less sleep but others badly.

How do I then deal with this ongoing issue (at least until my youngest is 4 and fully toilet trained)?

1. Sleep Early
   This is a tough one for me as I have so much to do that I cannot sleep early.  I am also a night owl so I get all kinds of ideas and things to do at night, mostly before bedtime!  Nevertheless, I try my best and when I manage this one, it helps me recover some of my sleep debt.


2. Stimulants (legal ones, of course)
   Of course, what is a sleep deprived mum going to function on without stimulants aka coffee?  I only have 1 a day and almost always the first drink of the day.  On days that I bravely go without, by lunchtime, I would have develop a massive headache.  For a period of time, I tried to wean myself off and was quite successful.  I guess that is another post for another day.  I am back on it again, as I found it easier than fighting the urge.  Will power is something you don't have a lot in supply when you are sleep deprived.


3. Food
   I recently also found that high protein breakfast with a dose of 500mg worth of Vitamin C would also help with my energy levels.  These would include eggs, ham and soya bean based drinks or food.  A couple of eggs on wholemeal toasts and a cup of coffee would take me all the way until lunchtime.  Tuna fish sandwiches are great too.  If you want to boost any sandwich with extra protein, a slice of cheese is a great addition.  I also try to avoid too much carbohydrates and make sure I drink lots of water.


4. My iPod Touch
   To help me focus on work in the office, this gadget (which was a gift from Dear Husband) is vital in providing background music and also pump up my blood and energy levels.  As I work in an open office (yes, we can hear all the conference calls and conversations with spouses or kids), it shuts off the unnecessary distractions, which a tired body can easily succumb to.


5. Exercise
   This is 5th on my list for a reason.  This is not something I would reach for intuitively to help cope with my sleep debt.  However, when I do get time to go for a run or walk, this brings my energy levels up just after 20 minutes.  If I am able to continue this for a week, I actually get quite good results. 

Now if only I can find those sneakers...

What is Really Important in a Marriage

Buy Me a Rose by Luther Vandross

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she’d say…

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

Now the days have grown to years of feelin’ all alone
As she sits and wonders if all she’s doin’ is wrong
‘Cause lately she’d try anything just to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said, if she said…

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is the story of you…and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
‘Cause I’m gonna make things right for the rest of your life
And I’m gonna hold you tonight, tonight
Do all those little things for the rest of your life

Everytime I hear this song on the radio, it reminds me to pay attention to the things that really matter in my life, especially in my marriage.  Although the day to day living is important, the Really Important things in a marriage are the ones that look after the heart.

Dear Husband and I have a book for couples that provides a scripture reading and a reflection/story for every day of the year.  It then gives a related discussion topic and prayer.  When we have time, we will read the passage for the day before bedtime.

2 nights ago, the passage was about pleasing one's mate; whether we thought about each other in our daily lives.  The discussion topic was then for each of us to come up with 3 things that would help our mate please us.  As we talked, I realised that we already were doing many things that pleased each other.  However, as I delved deeper and gently encourage my Dear Husband to come up with 3 things, he brought up one that really bothered him.

You see, I have always been a strongly opinionated woman.  I am well read and so always have something to say about almost everything, whether or not anyone is listening - in other words, I am irrepressible.  So during many occasions, I express myself rather strongly, sometimes with no thought about how Dear Husband might feel.  He shared that when I cut him off during conversations or answer questions on his behalf, it annoys and irritates him.  This does not help to better our marriage and in fact, even hurt him at times.

I acknowledged his feelings about this issue and reassured him that I was aware of this tendency of mine; that I am taking steps to change this.  I have to admit that it was difficult to listen to him and I felt myself getting defensive.  However, when I held my tongue and really listened, I learnt about the situations when I really hurt my Dear Husband, and how I could have avoided them.

With 4 kids and full time jobs, we don't always have the time to really listen to each other's needs.  While I need to express my needs, it is also vitally important to listen to Dear Husband's needs.  I am grateful that we had the chance to talk about our needs and the opportunity to better my marriage relationship.

Are you listening to your mate?  What are the 3 things you can do to please your mate?

Eat Dessert First

"Life is uncertain.  Eat dessert first."  - Ernestine Ulmer

 Indeed, life is certainly uncertain. 

So here's a killer tiramisu for those uncertain days that you are in a Nigella mood, although this is not her recipe.  I have used this in many parties and always a hit.

Tiramisu
1/2 cup (4 fl oz) strong espresso coffee
1/2 cup (4 fl oz) coffee liqueur (I used kahlua but tia maria works just as well)
16 sponge finger biscuits (also known as savoiardi), halved widthwise
Cocoa powder for dusting

filling
1 1/4 cups (310g/10 1/2 oz) mascarpone
1 1/2 cups (12 fl oz) (single or pouring) cream
3 tablespoons icing (confectioner's) sugar, sifted

1.  To make the filling, place the mascarpone, cream and icing sugar in a bowl and whisk until light and creamy. Set aside.

2.  Place the coffee and liqueur in a small bowl and stir to combine. Quickly dip both sides of half the biscuit halves in the coffee mixture and place in 4 glasses, layer on the filling, and repeat with the other half of the biscuit halves. 

3.  Spoon over the remaining filling. Dust heavily with cocoa and refrigerate until required. Serves 4.

My notes
1.  Dust the cocoa powder only at the last possible moment.  I noticed that if you do it too early, the powder gets wet from the cream.

2.  You can easily double the quantities to fit into a 24 cm springform cake tin. If you do use one, it may leak from the seams.  So a good alternative would be a wide casserole dish or a normal cake tin.  This way don't have to do it the glasses one by one if you have a large crowd but just serve using a shallow ladle.

3.  After a few trials, you will realise that the amounts of mascapone to cream does not really matter, I just use the commercial packing to approximate my amounts.  Effects are still as great.

Taken with my own notes and some modifications from Donna Hay - Modern Classics 2 Pg 108

 

Leadership in the Workplace

Everyone is a leader, whether or not, it is a formal position, at home or at work.  We are leaders when we are parents and the heads of the family or spokesperson for our church group; we are leaders when we take charge of a bad situation; and we are leaders when we stand up for what we believe in.

However, it is at work that leadership skills are needed the most.  This is because every employee is a volunteer.  No one is forced to come to work and thus, leaders cannot "make" anyone do anything.  So leadership skills is the lubricant of the organization.  Once employees feel they are valued and respected and there is trust, they will then allow themselves to be influenced by the leaders of the organization.

Leadership is hard work.  As a leader, you are always "switched on".  Integrity and consistency is how employees build up their confidence in you as a leader.  Leadership is not a business metric, it is not like the sales target you have every quarter or the amount of money you save from restricting unnecessary business travel.  However, it is the fabric that all business metrics will build on.

Only when there are good leaders, will the employees be able to unite towards a common vision, a common goal.  When an organization is united, the business metrics will take care of themselves.

Here are 5 links to blogs and articles of characteristics I find, that are the soul to being an effective leader in the workplace.

Leadership: Intentional Influence
http://www.businessweek.com/managing/content/jun2009/ca2009065_772331.htm?chan=careers_managing+index+page_top+stories

Leading When You Don't Have Formal Authority
http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/demaio/2009/05/leading-when-you-dont-have-for.html

Leadership: Control vs. Influence
http://michaelhyatt.com/2007/09/leadership-control-vs-influence.html

Management by Flying Around
http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/kanter/2009/09/mbfa-management-by-flying-arou.html

5 Employee Motivation Myths Debunked
http://www.entrepreneur.com/humanresources/employeemanagementcolumnistdavidjavitch/article202352.html

What other qualities do you admire in a leader in your organization?

Action-Oriented Life

 

"Proactively Shape Your Life by Challenging Your Decisions

Spend less time worrying about things and more time thinking about actions you can take to get closer to your goals, then actually take action.

Ask for advice. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. Look for information to help you make the best decision in the given time.

Challenge your own thinking processes and your conclusions. Ask the following questions:
· What are the pros and cons? Do I have the full list? Which option looks more attractive considering both the pros and the cons? Are the pros and cons really pros and cons? What actions could I take to enhance the pros and cons and to minimize or eliminate the cons?
· What are the specific criteria I should be using? Do I have the right ones? Am I weighting each criterion the right way?
· Is my evaluation correct? What information am I basing my evaluation on? Is it accurate, up-to-date, and unbiased? What actions could I take to improve the attractiveness of my options?

Problem solving is easy when you know how to set a clear goal, figure out how to reach it, and follow through while reviewing your progress and making changes to your plan as necessary.

If you make problem solving a habit, you’ll be able to make the most of your talents and take control of your life. You can solve not only your own problems, but the problems of your school, your business and your community – and maybe even the world.

Problem Solving 101: A Simple Book for Smart People by Ken Watanabe
http://www.problemsolvingtoolbox.com/index.php?page=theauthor"

I recently saw this note on one of my friend's facebook wall (Thanks Seb!).  I found it very inspiring since it advocates an action-oriented life instead of sitting in the back seat.  It call us to action in achieving our goals by asking for help and challenging our decisions.  It throws out worry and follows the Nike slogan of "Just Do It".

Recently a friend confided that he is suffocating at work.  He is not doing work that he enjoys.  After being 8 years in the same company, he yearns for a change.  However, being comfortable in his current job and getting decent pay for his work, funny enough, is the roadblock to change.  After a few months of inaction, he finally updated his resume.  Then momentum builds up and he has since applied for 2 jobs and today, he tells me he is going to try for another 3.  I applauded his decision to finally take action. 

Of course, the ideal ending is actually getting a job that he likes but really, the action he took has set things in motion and changes will come.  Maybe not quite in the same way he expect, but things will change.

Are you driving your life or are you going with the flow?

Space for Peace

I attend Mass every Wednesday at lunchtime.  It is about 10 mins walk from where I work.  Since it is a dance studio that is converted for conducting Mass, every effort is made to to make the environment as peaceful as possible. 

At the front right-hand corner of the studio, there is a banner.   This is what is embroidered on it.

"Come to me all you who labour and are overburdened and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

Whenever I see this verse, I think of God's arms outstretched towards me and I can finally throw all my cares away and be safely embraced.  Being a working mother, time is a scarce commodity.  To be able to spend half an hour during the work week allows me a small space in my life for some peace.  It allows me to quiet my soul and reconnect with God.  I often return to the office with a packed lunch and a still heart.

It is not easy to make this effort.  Meetings and datelines overwhelm me all the time.  If I do not schedule and protect this time on my calendar, I will not get the temporary reprieve from my worldly responsibilities.  It is also tempting to not make the effort as it may seem like one more thing to do.  The irony is that if I take the time to do this one thing every week, then every week seems to run better and I can run better.

Do you have time for God and for some peace in your calendar?

10 Tips to Great Family Outings

Family outings.  I love them but I also dread them.  Honestly.

Every Sunday is family day for me.  Dear Husband and I will try our best to take the kids out either to an interesting place or do an interesting activity.  It is always a challenge in the logistics department as we have kids of varying ages.  With an age range of 2 to 10 years, I often have to make sure that I pack the necessary stuff for each kid - ranging from diapers and formula for the youngest, water and wet ones for all, and books for the older kids.  This will ensure that I have peace of mind that we have everything we need plus the kitchen sink, in event of any situation.  Suffice to say, this often causes a rise in my stress levels every time we go out as a family.  You would agree with dear husband that this defeats the purpose of a family outing since I will be too stressed up or worried to actually enjoy it.

So through trial and error and melt downs (from both the kids and me), here are some of the ways that have worked for us whenever we prepare to go for a family outing.

1. Plan Ahead
   Seems basic but this truly works.  If you know where you are going - indoor or outdoor -  you will be better prepared.  Do some research on where you are going (most places have a website now) and understand the facilities including breastfeeding rooms, play areas, locations of bathrooms and eateries.  Sometimes, I even buy tickets in advance.  I am also on various mailing lists e.g. museums, zoos, parks; thus getting the latest and greatest on what's going on.


2. Wet Tissues
   This is a very important part of your arsenal since it can clean from baby's bottoms to icky hands.  This will ensure that we are well protected from the usual dirt that comes with going outside and when the nearest bathroom is no where in sight.


3. Food!
   Yes, with an exclamation mark!  Kids are hungry ALL the time.  A stash of sandwiches, snacks and a good supply of drinks will keep them satisfied and less irritable.  If you are like me and have kids that go berserk without food, this is a must!  Some of the items I bring on a regular basis are sandwiches that don't go soggy (good ones are like peanut butter or jam), fruits in a icy thermal bag, chicken drumlets, pasta and even chicken curry.  Water is a favourite over other drinks.  Bringing your own food will also mean that you save money from the ultra-expensive food outlets that are usual stops at popular locations.


4. Dress Appropriately
   T-shirts and shorts are good for beaches and an extra jacket would be useful for cinemas and air-conditioned locations.  I even bring extra sets of clothes, especially for the younger ones, in case of accidents.


5. Plastic Bags
   These have been invaluable for storing wet clothes or swim things to the dirty diaper that needs disposal.  My eldest is also very prone to car sickness during a long ride so other than not feeding him too much before, we also have a supply of these to double as sick bags (although you have to make sure that they don't have holes...yep imagine the mess!).


6. Books and Toys
   Waiting in lines or having nothing to do is a bane to kids.  I bring a supply of books/toys/colouring materials and paper to keep my bunch happy.  On occasions that I remember or my dear husband allows me to bring them, they are the only reasons I could keep my sanity.


7. Insect Repllents and Sun Screens
   This only applies to outdoor places.  I often forget them and end up having to deal with irritable kids either during the outing for the former or the next day for the latter.


8. Back-Up Plan
   Always have a back-up plan!  The best laid plans of mice and men don't always work out.  Have more than one thing on your list in case the location that you plan for is not available or you have more time than anticipated.


9. Camera
   A little piece of technology to keep the family memories alive!  And also to upload into facebook to share with friends and family.  There was more than once that I got ideas from others where to bring the family.  Remember to charge the battery to full the night before.  It is so annoying and disappointing to miss that precious moment!


10. Relaxed Attitude
    Most importantly, bring a relaxed attitude and enjoy the family outing!  Nevermind if the kids tore their clothes or rain comes unexpectedly or the tickets were sold out.  The most important thing is that your family gets to spend time together, well, as a family.  Being relaxed will allow making memories that will last a lifetime.

What do you do to make your family outings work?

Breakfast Menu

"Mummy, I really appreciate you making the effort to make interesting breakfasts for me every morning!", says my 10-year old son.

Music to my ears really.  While I hardly ever have difficulty coming up with lunch or dinner menus, breakfast eludes me.  For some unfathomable reason, many times at breakfast, I am at a loss at what to serve my hungry family. 

I find myself looking at breakfast cookbooks or the breakfast section of the cookbooks, looking for inspiration.  Although the current repertoire of breakfast foods I have seems extensive, some of these are similar foods e.g. pancakes, french toast and waffles are all served with maple syrup, so you cannot really serve them on consecutive days.  In fact, I am even reluctant in serving them on the same week.  However, my kids does not mind eating pancakes every week.  Funny how they seek the comfort in familiar favourites.

After much experimenting and researching, here are the ways I try to make normal breakfast food interesting.  I am sure you have your own ways too.

1  Oatmeal
Other than serving them plain, I add on raisins, sliced bananas and/or strawberries.  I also serve it once with lightly fried honey baked ham.  I like oatmeal as it is healthy and easy to prepare.

2  Pancakes/Waffles/French Toast
Maple syrup is a staple with these.  I also tried chocolate, caramel and strawberry sauces with success.  After I introduced the kids to eating pancakes with maple syrup and fried ham/bacon, they constantly ask me for the savory sides.  I recently saw a friend's Facebook post on how to make personalised pancakes and tried them one morning (probably good for another post).  I still have room for improvement.

3  Bread/Bruschetta
Other than butter and peanut butter on bread, I have also tried toasted cheese sandwiches, tuna fish sandwiches, jam spreads (including the local kaya, which is coconut jam).  If I have some rustic country loaf, I would slice them and dry toast them on a dry pan, then top with sauteed portobello mushrooms with garlic or scrambled eggs with salt and pepper.

4  American Breakfast
This one would include an assortment of ham, sausages, eggs (all ways), sauteed button mushrooms with cherry tomatoes, hash, all served with toasted sliced bread on a large plate. 

5  Store Bought Baked Goods
This one is used a lot by my husband.  In Singapore, other than finding a cafe or coffee shop at every turn, is a confectionery shop.  This is usually a bakery that sells bread of every kind, cakes and even local snacks like curry puffs or kueh (sweet usually steamed cakes).  This is great for variety when we are tired or if we have run out of ideas what to serve.

6  Local Favourites
I have also done the local favourites like "ju gwei" (steam rice cakes with minced stew preserved radish) and "chee cheong fun" (steam rice rolls with sweet sauce and toasted sesame seeds).  These are bought cold and stored in the fridge until needed.  They don't keep so I have to use them within 2 days of buying them.  I would steam them for 5 mins in boiling water, then served with the appropriate condiments.  Sometimes I would also include dim sum items like "har gao" (prawn dumpling) and "siew mai" (meat dumpling) that could be bought from the chiller section of the supermarkets.

7  Sliced Fruit
My family loves fruit.  I would cut a variety of fruits and serve them during breakfast as a side to the main breakfast dish.  This is also my favourite item should I be travelling for business and eating at the hotel buffet.

These are some of the more common items on our family's breakfast menus.  Some of the other items I have tried with some success are breakfast burritos (scrambled eggs and cubed sausages wrapped in tortillas), quesadillas (shredded roast chicken with mozzarella cheese, toasted on dry pan between 2 tortillas), brie slices on plain water crackers, although they prefer the latter 2 items for supper.

All in all, my kids love their breakfasts and are always challenging me to make something different.  So, I will continue to go where no working mother has gone before on the breakfast frontier.  Who's with me?

The Importance of Being Grateful

My husband gave his a co-worker a ride today.  They chatted in the car and when he got back, he shared her story with me.  Her name is Rachel*.  She and her husband Dan*, are Malaysians working in Singapore.  For those of you out there who are not aware, geographically Malaysia and Singapore are close neighbours.  It is very common for folks to travel for work in the neighbouring country.

Since they are on work permits, they are living in rented public housing.  They have 2 small children back home in Malaysia, but they do not see them often.  Rachel is a hardware technician while Dan works as a technician in an oil refinery.  They receive relatively low wages due to their lower educational background.  Dan often have to pick up overtime, from 8.30am to 10pm at night, so as to work towards a better future.

Then, there is another story of Ling*.  She, like Rachel, works here in Singapore from Malaysia.  Ling and her husband, Lee*, just had a baby girl.  But as she is not a Singaporean, she only gets 2 months of maternity leave instead of 4.  After 2 months, she left her baby in her hometown in Ipoh to come back to work here in Singapore.  Due to their low income, they can only afford to go back to Ipoh every few months.

My husband also shared a story he heard from a friend.  Many people from rural China leave their hometowns to get a job in big cities.  They beg and borrow and scrap up enough money to make the trip to the city.  There they work in hard labour jobs with low wages.  Often, these men are not able to visit their families for years on end and some for the rest of their lives.  Their families live from hand to mouth on the wages the men send home and are seldom able to visit them as well.

It is when I hear of stories of hardship like these that I remember that I have a lot to be grateful about. 

I am lucky to have parents who insisted on a good education and pushed me to achieve what I can.  With a degree, I was able to get a good job.  With a good education, it provided me with strong and solid stepping stones to get to where I want to be.  I am grateful to have a strong a supportive family and family in-law.  I am grateful that even with 4 kids, my husband and I can enjoy the occasional Starbuck coffee or a 3 day holiday in Phuket.

I am grateful that I get to see my kids grow up.  I have the chance of being close to them and be a support to them.  I get to see them florish under my care and sprout strong wings to fly.  I am grateful for my friends who are always there for me, for better or for worse.

I am grateful for my husband, who not only is my best friend and soul mate, but also my pillar of strength.  He is whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

Most of all, I am grateful for my faith and the ability to practice it here in Singapore.  I know of people who are ostracised or even killed for proclaiming their faith.

Life is hard, but for some, it is particularly hard.  We can keep complaining about our aches and pain, or we can choose to take them in our stride.  We can stay selfish and only see our own suffering, or we can reach out to others who need a helping hand.  We can lament about how our friends and neighbours are doing better than us, or we can learn to be content with what we have.  We can choose to stay miserable and only exist, or we can choose to be happy and live.

What is your choice? 

*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals

Negotiation

I negotiate every day - at work and at home.

I negotiate with my manager regarding my workload, I negotiate with my team regarding conflicts in datelines, I negotiate with my peers regarding assignments, I negotiate with my clients regarding what is in scope and what is not, I negotiate contracts and pricing.

I negotiate with my parents regarding babysitting times, I negotiate with the air-condition service man regarding servicing times, I negotiate with my kids regarding bedtimes and homework and dinner, I negotiate with my husband regarding who calls the estate agent to yell at him, I negotiate interest rates with the bank.

I googled  "negotiation" and found on this website a very nice definition of the word.

"Negotiation is the art and science of securing agreement and creating value between two or more parties."

It is more an art than science to me .  You see, I negotiate emotionally.  No, I don't mean yelling, crying or saying hurtful words.  What I mean is that, I sense the emotions in the room, between the parties, and say the appropriate things to make things work.  I also make use of my own emotions - I suppress strong feelings like injustice or anger - but yet let displeasure or difficulty show through if I think it will help.

I may have an end state in my head but I rarely have a step by step plan.  I try not to strive to win but strive to come to common ground, that is, "creating value".  Of course, not every negotiation I have goes well, although it does get better with age.  I will not go as far as to say I manipulate but I know what to say in order to get the other party to come to the same conclusion.  And sometimes, I just say what I need and wait for the other to respond.

And yes, sometimes my emotional negotiation ends up in tears or stomping of feet or slamming of doors, me or the other party.  At that point, it does feel bad.  It does not take me long to buck up and try another tack.  This is when I am in a relatively good place at that point of time.  If not (like if I have had a bad day), I will clam up and not want to do anything.  I am not perfect, but this is something that I am trying to change, to keep my pride in a safe place, and play nice.

If you ask me what is the one most imp0rtant thing I learn through my daily negotiations, I would tell you, the ability to keep an open mind that there is more than one way to solve the problem.  As a person with a strong personality, this is not my strong trait.  I am opinionated and have a rather straight-laced way of solving problems.  Over the years, I have learnt to listen and be open to the possibility that things can be done another way - the other person's way.  This in turn have open my mind and improve my negotiation skills.  The question, "What do you suggest?" now features in my negotiation conversations.

I am sure all you working mothers out there negotiate like I do, on a daily basis.  What is the most important thing you have learnt going about your daily negotiation?  I would love to hear from you.

Evaluation Of My Life

The title of this post suggest that I might be very old, have lots of life experiences or just plain contemplative today.

I am 36, so hopefully not that old, yes do have some life experiences and definitely very contemplative today. I am on leave from work today and this is something I am not accustomed to. You will realise as you read this post that I do not take leave for no reason at all, in case I need them in emergencies. So why have I broken my own rule?

I have a full time job, a large family with 4 kids and multiple family members to manage. I am the wife, mother, business manager, financial officer, doctor, nurse, chef, teacher, disciplinarian, cleaner and whatever people need or want me to be.

I took leave today because I have quite a few days to clear. Simple reason. As I sit here in my home office, I remember the advice I got on how to spend this day.

"Just do nothing, put up your feet and relax and be yourself."
"Go have a massage or just think about your life and what you achieve so far, what you want to achieve going forward."

I pondered over this for a week. This is the day and I still don't have a plan.

I had a bad night with my youngest son and woke up feeling really tired. After sending the kids out the door to the child care centre, I had a quick breakfast with DH. He had to get to work early to day and thus could not have our usual more leisurely breakfast.

I started off switching on my laptop. I even set up a few work conference calls for clients and answered a few emails. Then Facebook. I must make sure I log in so that I get my free ingredients for my game, Restaurant City. Then I proceed to harvest some corn and potatoes in Happy Farm. I read some of the feed and then login to clear my personal mail. 9.30am and still no plan.

It was then that I realise, I don't need a plan. Just do what I want and what I like or what just comes. The point is to take it easy. I don't need to have the usual to-do list that I will check off as the day goes. The point is to rest and not think too much. This crazy world certainly did not help with the increasing pace everyday and the need to achieve and squeeze as much work as possible into the day.

Here am I typing this blog and enjoying myself. Putting in writing one day of my life. Hopefully when I read this in the future, I will be able to gain something about myself and my life. Perhaps even put things into perspective.

Which is the whole point of today right? Okay need to get that nature walk in before lunch so that I can go for a relaxing manicure.

Or not.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 17 June, 2009.

25 random things I learnt in the last 10 years

Being a working mother for the last 10 years, there were many things that I learnt either the right way or the hard way.  Here are 25 random things that I learnt, perhaps you have your own 25 things?  Feel free to share!

1. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, except myself and the annoying co-worker.


2. Forgiveness sets me free, so does an occasional glass of wine.


3. I don't have to be perfect.  God and my family will still love me for who I am.


4. Fancy beads, lace and bows will fall off the first time your little girl wears the dress with them on it.


5. Squeaky shoes drive my husband crazy, no matter how cute they look.


6. Drum sets are not good presents for kids, unless they belong to someone you would like to un-friend.


7. Salads and health drinks are balm for my soul.  (Just kidding...Ice cream and chocolate are balm for my soul.)


8. Having an early morning conference call, at home with kids in the background, before coffee, is a bad idea.


9. Saying "No" sometimes is not anti-social.


10. The mysterious stain on my suit is not a very good conversational topic at client meetings.


11. Forgetting to buy the school supplies that your child needs will not make you a bad mother.


12. Letting your kids go hungry sometimes will not automatically result in being arrested by Social Services.


13. Always tell your husband what you need instead of expecting him to read your mind.


14. Laugh.


15. Cry.


16. Pamper yourself as a means to reward yourself for the hardwork.  Handmade cards and hugs are great; but a self inflicted manicure or facial works wonders.


17. Breastfeeding your child is a great experience; but there is no need to feel guilty if you cannot, either physically or emotionally.  It is funny how they will still be okay either way.


18. Always institute a bedtime for your kids; this will ensure you have time with your husband or for yourself.


19. I think my mother is lucky being able stay at home with us; she thinks I am lucky being able to work.


20. Teaching my kids to protect and take care of themselves is more important than being overprotective of them.


21. I reserve the right to be paranoid about my kids. (Nevermind 20)


22. Stress from work should stay at work.  Stress from home should stay at home.  Hard but essential.


23. Learning how to say "sorry" to my kids when I am wrong, is one of the most difficult thing to do.  But it is also the most humbling thing to experience.


24. Clients may be difficult sometimes but they are the reason I have a job.


25. Read as much as you can.

My Relationship with Food

I love food and thus, cannot remember a time in my adult life when I was thin.

I would love to be dramatic and say that I have a love-hate relationship with food; but I don't.  I simply love food.  That's all.  I don't hate food, I am always wanting to taste new food and cook new food.  And of course, the old ones too.

In Singapore, there are 2 favourite pastimes - shopping and eating.  You already know I am not that big a fan of shopping (unless it is food), but I am a HUGE fan of eating, despite struggling with my self image.  Food in Singapore is readily available 24 x 7.  Be it the fine dining restaurants in hotels, or the coffee shops in Geylang, you can always find food almost anywhere and at anytime.

As a child, with my father being the sole breadwinner, money was carefully budgeted and used.  My mother was and still is, a fairly frugal person.  However, when it comes to food, they never stinge.  They put the best quality food they can afford on the table.  I was never hungry and even tasted lots of fantastic dishes that my mother cooked.  It was the best cut of threadfin fish to steam or the freshest chicken parts for the curry.  Even the condiments in my childhood home was of the best quality they can muster.

Fast forward, I am now a mother.  I learnt from my parents' great influence and get the best food money can buy for my family.  My children eats the most interesting food along side the traditional ones.  They love the chicken curry I cook and also the new recipe for Mexican Pork wraps that I made one Sunday.  They get roast chicken with mushy peas lunch or they traditional Cantonese double-boiled soup with dinner.  My husband, who is my equal in loving food, joins the children in giving me feedback on what works for them and what does not.  The result is a repertoire of dishes that are refined and requested frequently.

As a working mother, I often have to come up with quick and easy meals for my large family of 6.  Any recipes that require less than an hour to prepare and serve are favourites.  Stay tuned as I share some of my experiences in managing that area of my home life in future blogs.  For a start, here's a perennial favourite with my kids - tuna fish sandwiches, served with chips and chocolate milk.

Tuna Fish Sandwiches
1 can tun fish flakes (I use chunks but I break them up with a fork)
1/2 large yellow onion, chopped
1 and 1/2 tbsp mayonnaise
1/4 lemon, juice of
a pinch of salt
a dash of pepper (or as much as you like)
margarine/butter for bread (depends on which camp you are on, optional)

1.  Mix everything except margarine/butter in a container with a cover.  The cover is important as you can then refrigerate unused portions for later.

2.  Cover and chill in fridge for at least half hour.  Sometimes the kids cannot wait so we eat it unchilled but it taste better if left for a while to cool off in the fridge.

3.  Spread a thin layer of margarine/butter on sliced bread, topped with a layer of the tuna mayo mixture.  Serve with regular chips or tortilla chips and a glass of milk.  Another good tip is to toast the bread first before layering.

There you go.  I have done this many times for lunch with great success.  To make it a bit more sophisticated for the adults, you can add in lettuce and sliced tomatoes and serve it with a green salad instead.  Change the milk for juice/your favourite beverage, and voila, you have a nutritious and delicious lunch!  Enjoy!

How to manage our self images

Last Saturday, I went clothes shopping with my dear husband.

Yes you heard that right, my husband actually went clothes shopping with me.  After he bought a shirt on sale that he liked, he encouraged me to look around for new clothes.

I must provide some background - you see, while I would love to spend my whole afternoon in a supermarket, gawking at the fresh fruits and vegetables, I dislike clothes shopping and shoe shopping and all garment related shopping.  I would just go into a shop, take a sweeping look, and then decide if I would buy anything.  If I do decide to buy something, I do not compare prices at another shop, see if I could find anything nicer, try it on with 3 different pants, or continue to mope around the shop.  I would just go straight to the cashier and pay for it.

It was no different last Saturday except, I have been struggling a bit lately with my self image.  After every one of my first 3 kids, I would spring back to my pre-pregnancy weight (note: weight not figure) in a month or less.  After my last kid, I have had a hard time losing the weight.  To make matters worse, I put on even more.  I had tried to control portion sizes and even try to exercise.  These are shortlived and I had to deal with the defeat of not being able to reduce my weight.  The feeling of disaapointment with myself can only be matched with the feeling of having a bad self image.  Don't get me wrong, I am only talking physical self image - other areas, I am still relatively secure.  This one area just escapes me somehow. 

I dread the experience of putting on the clothes I like but just could not fit in.  I often have to ask for the largest size clothes or shoes.  I am born with a big frame and in Asia, most clothes on sale are for small to medium frames.  I can only look to imported clothes from Western countries, in hope that I can find something that would fit. 

I ended up buying 4 pieces of clothing from Marks and Spencer (hurray not the largest size), all for $197.  To be honest, I felt quite good about it.  I had taken my time to really make sure I liked what I was going to buy.  I tried to look at the clothes in a different way.  I tried to change the way I shop that day.  I must admit, for a little while, I actually felt triumphant in buying what looked good on me.

This experience then helped me to realise that there are many things I can do to manage my self image.  Here are some that I have been using and others that I will try in the days to come.

1  Change the way we think about clothes
The Chinese have a saying,"Men needs to wear clothes, buddhas need to wear gold."  If we think of clothes as objects that will improve the way we look, the way we feel about ourselves and the way people look and treat us, then they are not simply functional.  It is worth time and effort in finding the right clothes.  There is no need to slurge but there is absolute need in finding clothes that suit and fit us.  This will in turn then improve our self image.

2  Positive self talk
If we keep telling ourselves we look bad, then naturally we will feel bad.  Instead, we should look beyond the physical covering and discover other good things about ourselves.  This way, we can then increase our positive self talk and improve our mental state of our self image.

3  Have an actual plan
For the last 2 weeks, I have been consciously decreasing my carbohydrate intake and increasing my fruits, vegetables and whole grains intake.  I am also trying to eat more often in the day and with smaller portions.  It is encouraging to report that I have small successes in reducing my weight.  Therefore, have an actual plan to address the problem area; be it weight loss, to reduce stress or to improve our general mental well being.  Read blogs, browse related books, talk to friends - these resources normally would help us formulate a plan.

4  Slow down
This gives us a chance to appreciate where we are in our lives and be proud of what we have achieved.  Carrying a bit more weight is probably not that big a deal in the big scheme of things.  Have a break, a cup of tea or meditate.  I pray, and that really helps to keep things into perspective.

5  Talk about it
One of the things I probably should have done was confide in my dear husband. He would have provided the support I needed or be an active part in my self image journey.  Finding someone we trust to share our fears will alleviate the insecurity and inferiority that may pepper our daily lives.  Talk to our spouses, friends, co-workers or even a counsellor.  Talking about a fear will significantly reduce its size.

After my last clothes shopping experience, I am continuing to execute my plan, slow down and breathe.  I have every faith in myself that I will be able to overcome this insecurity. In the meantime, I think I should probably go talk to my dear husband now before he sees this post.

The Gift

It is a gift to be parents.

I am grateful for having this gift bestowed upon me 4 times. 4 lovely babies, 4 times the joy.

I sometimes forget how blessed I am and how great God is. When I am dragged down by life or by work, I forget that I have 4 concrete proof that really, nothing else is important. When I turn inward with selfishness, with self-pity, I could not see the loving eyes, the hugs and kisses, the simple need to be around their mother. I lock them out.

I squander this gift when I do that. I disconnect from my children. The inability to respond sometimes have me guilt ridden for days on end. My children never give up. They keep trying to connect, sometimes turned away by me, but they always come back.

If I am not careful, one day, they will get tired and they will turn away from me, from God.

I admire my DH. He turns off the stresses and pain of daily life off as soon as he enters our home. He plays with the children despite having the worst work day of the week, despite knowing that he probably have to work late into the night, and despite his physical tiredness. He is my role model and I try to emulate him. I succeed sometimes and I fall others.

Please God, help me to see beyond myself, my ego, to receive the love and blessings You so generously shower upon me. Let me never give up and let my children never turn away from me and from You.

Amen.

Note: This post was originally posted on my personal blog on 12 June, 2009.

The Evil Necessity of Business Trips

Business trips are necessary, especially for the small island of Singapore. 

"Go out into the world and find your fortune", said the mother of the 3 little pigs.

The world has shrunk.  The advancement of the aviation industry has made business travel easier than it has ever been in the past.  From Singapore, you only need to travel 1 hour to get to Kuala Lumpur, 5 hours to Beijing and 8 to Sydney.  Business is no longer conducted at home.  Face to face meetings are preferred over the less personal conference call or emails whenever possible.  "Business Traveller" or "Road Warrior" is now a label that a lot of us working mothers have added to our many roles.

And I hate every business trip that I have ever been on.  There I said it. 

I am not sure about you, but being away from my family for days, and at times for weeks, is not something I look forward to.  My friends and family would comfort me, saying it would be a good break from the kids.  I even joked that perhaps I can finally get a night's of uninterrupted sleep.  I certainly enjoyed the shopping, late night outs with co-workers and sometimes even the sight-seeing.

However, there are 2 parts of a business trip that I dislike.

1 The Flying
I am afraid of flying.  No, I do not get cold sweat or grab tightly to my seat or cling on to my fellow passenger.  I do not need a drink or a pill.  The reason I am afraid of flying is that I am afraid that I will never see my dear husband and my family ever again.  I know I probably have more chances of dying in a road accident, but being in a sealed tin can 3,000 miles above the ground does not evoke feelings of peace for me.

2 The Hotel
Since I work for a US multi-national company, the hotels that we use are reputable ones.  Nice ones.  With lovely branded bath foams and huge LCD wall-mounted TVs.  But what I hate is the feeling I get when I return to an empty room.  I have had a hard day's at work and all I can return to is an empty room.  No hugs, no kisses and certainly no kids clinging onto my every limb.  It seemed to make my work meaningless.

And to make matters worse, we now have to contend with the possiblility that we may be terrorised.  When I saw the news report of the Jarkata bombings a few days ago and how Singaporeans were hurt, it just hit home to how it could also happen to me.

So, every time my plane lands in Singapore, I say a quiet prayer.  Thank you for taking be back safe and sound.  It is at this moment that I appreciate deeply what I have now and how far I have come in my life.  I would be conscious of not taking my dear husband for granted and spending quality time with my kids.  I would be happy eating simple home cooked meals instead of massive hotel buffets.  I would even go as far as enjoying the warm weather here instead of dressing myself in mutiple layers before going out into the cold winters.

Well, perhaps business trips are not as bad as I thought they were.  After all, they do make me see things that I often over look in my busy daily life.

The Lift Incident

As the littlest one was getting better, my dear husband was taking him for a ride this morning while sending my eldest to school. 

As everyone was getting dressed, number 4 (I used to think using numbers was appalling but then turned out it was just easier this way) was excited and took out his squeaky shoes (which my dear husband hated) and started to put them on.  He was doing quite well except he got them on the wrong feet.  So I took over and helped him.  I then told him to follow number 1 to the lift lobby just outside our flat.  He happily bobbed out and then I made the first mistake of the day.

I turned my head to talk to number 3, who walked into the living room.

By the time my dear husband got out into the lobby, number 4 was gone.  Number 1 however, was still standing there.  When asked where his little brother is, he then exclaimed, "Oh my God! I think he went into the lift!"

By himself.

By then, we were frantic, I practically screamed at my husband to run down the stairs to see where the lift stops, while I had my eyes glued on lift display to see where it stops.  I screamed at the top of my voices down the stairway to my husband that it stopped at the 4th floor.  So when I saw the lift coming up, I thought he had gotten to number 4 and was bringing him up.

Of course, it was not.  The lift doors opened and it was a neighbour with her son - and my runaway son.  She then proceeded to give me a dressing down on how it had frightened her to see a 2 year child ALONE in the lift.  And that we were so lucky that her son recognized number 4 and knew that he lived on the 11th floor.

I am not sure I thanked her but the sense of relief I felt was indescribable.  He was not crying but he was spotting an upturned mouth. 

I guess I can now mentally log that this is first time he took the lift by himself.

Do you have any heart-stopping moments with your kids?

Ever had a sick kid at home?

Ever had a sick kid at home?  Since I have 4 kids, my chances of getting that regularly is probably higher than the normal household.  In Singapore, it is very uncommon to have 4 kids in one household.  Most families only have 2 or perhaps 3.  More couples are opting to only have 1 child or not have any at all.

Back to sick kids, I had one in the last few days.  He is recovering but it had upset our family's routine.  This is the reason why this post is late.  For the first 2 nights that he was sick, he was not comfortable and was waking up every 15 mins.  Yes you heard me right.  Every 15 mins.  At the end of the 2 nights, my dear husband and I were running on fumes.

I guess the real question behind this post is then, ever had a sick kid and still have to turn up for a important client meeting in the late afternoon?  Well, I had to do it yesterday after the 2 sleepless nights.  I was amazed that I could still funtion and only needed a cup of coffee before the meeting to keep me awake.  Surprisingly the meeting went well.

By the time I got back home, my head felt light and I was crashing.  I went to bed at 8pm and was out like a light for the rest of the night.  My dear husband, I found out this morning, was trying to keep my sick kid from waking me up.  He also stayed up until 1am to fix up the computer for the kid's homework and to write a letters to terminate some educational services that they do not need anymore.

All in all you can see all the challenges that working parents have to face whenever there is a sick kid at home.  I am just glad he is getting better so we can get back to our usual routine.  And then there is the lift incident this morning...which I am saving for the next post.

"No," I said to my daughter, "I'm sorry but I can't.".  She had requested to do a family activity before bedtime. 

Now to put things into perspective, the regular bedtime in my household is 9pm for the kids.  It was 9.30pm when she asked.  The late bedtime is due to the fact that the family had visited THE newest location to visit - Marina Barrage - in the afternoon, followed by dinner out at a Japanese restaurant.

She then proceeded to sulk and stamped her feet to her bed.  Later, on she complained to her father that we have not done that specific family activity for a while.  My dear husband proceeded to soothe and comfort her, while massive amount of guilt then built up in my heart.  I then shaked my head and stood firm in my decision.

The reason I said no, was because I wanted to protect the couple time we had after the kids go to bed.  This is fiercely guarded by me as I realised that if we don't respect this time, then as a couple, we will not have time alone.  "After 9pm" is a time slot that I treasure and look forward to.  Sometimes we may do our own things quietly; other times, we may do some planning together; but most times we spend the time together, watching TV with a glass of wine in hand.  This makes sure that even in the hustle and bustle of our family life, we still remember that our marriage comes before the children.

What did she just say?  Yes, make no mistake about it, I place my marriage before my children.  If the pillars of the family are weak, then how can the family be strong?  Only when my marriage is thriving that my children would have a secure and loving environment to grow up in.  We will then be setting a good examples for them to follow when they one day become someone else's spouses.

If I were to put my children first, over the years, my marriage would deteriorate.  Even if the big D word never cross our lips, by the time we retire, we will be ready to go our separate ways.  I will wake up one morning and wonder who is this person sleeping next to me.  I want to remember the reason we got married every single day; I want to keep our love and passion alive; I want to grow old with my dear husband.

So whenever I have to make a decision to choose, then more often then not, I will choose to spend time with my dear husband. 

I hear him coming out of the shower, so until the next post...

My Favourite Quotes

Here are 10 of the most inspiring quotes for a working mother like me.  May they put the fire back in you and inspire you to take what you are doing with your work and family further than ever before!

"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary."
- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to."
- N. Smith

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You can't help getting old, but you don't have to get old."
- George Burns

"Whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free . . . your true self comes out. "
- Tina Turner

"The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."
- Jill Churchill

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
- Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
- Mignon McLaughlin

"For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe."
- Anonymous

"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
—Don Kardong 

How to draw the line between work and home

That's the million dollar question for us working mothers!

It is often very difficult to compartmentalise.  This is not something I do very naturally.  I have to consciously make the effort to remember and draw the line.  I fall down often on this point - I allowed my stress at work to spill over into my home life and less times, the other way.  It helps me to do something deliberately to remind myself.  Here are some of my ways to stop work from invading into my home life, perhaps you have your ways to share?

1 Shut down my laptop
When I have finished my day's work, I shut down my laptop instead of putting it on hibernate or standby mode.  This helps to tell me work is done and let's start to have a life.

2 Put my work mobile on silent mode
Most times when I finish work, I either put my work mobile on silent mode.  Sometimes I go to the extend of not responding to work SMS'es and calls, especially if they are not urgent.  This will draw the line for me and others that this is my private time - do not disturb.

3 Stop for a relaxation activity before going home
I try to do this especially when I am having a particularly difficult time at work.  A coffee, an express manicure or even just window shopping would help me leave the difficult emotions and mood, and calm myself down before I meet my kids or husband.  Yesterday, my husband dragged me off to a dart bar to have a quick drink with a few friends and a couple of dart games.  I did not even realised I needed it! 

4 Have a shower first
This is one that is the easiest to implement and the one I often forget about.  After greeting my family, before I get involved in anything, I would have a shower first (we like showers more than baths in Singapore).  This is metaphorically washing all that of work and refresh me to enjoy my home life.

5 Go for a run
I am most lazy to do this one, but this has contributed to some really good results.  If I get home early enough, I would change into my gear, put on some blasting music on my iPod and go for a run round my neighbourhood.  Even if it is just 15 mins, it gives me energy and relaxes me.  I also get my day's exercise in.

Now if I would just do what I preach...

The Challenge of a Working Mother

I have 4 kids and a full time job.  Every single day is a challenge, an adventure.  In this little island in the far East, our fast paced lives and the social norm of having a dual income family, has changed the dynamics of the traditional view of a family.  I grew up in a family of 3 kids, mom is a full time housewife until we were teenagers.  Even when she started working, she was there to ensure that we maintain the normality of a traditional family.

As I try to do that for my own kids, who by the way have ages ranging from 1.5 to 9.5 years old, I find it most frustrating.  Then I found out from my friends and colleagues, that they do have the same frustrating experience.  My husband is a pretty hands on father, and he too finds time lacking and quality not up to what he would like.

Over the 10 years that I have been a mother, I also had to deal with the full time job that I have - datelines, meetings, reports.  Every day is a constant tug of war, a delicate balance that I have to find. Somedays I do good, others not so, and there are some days that I hope I never have to experience ever again in my life.

Nevertheless, here are some things that I do to keep my sanity and my balance between work and family.

1 Keep work at work and home at home
It is so important to leave my work at the door and be really present for my family.  I am still struggling with this one as I try to keep the 2 parts of my life separate.  On days that I am able to, I feel great about myself that I am able to keep in control.  Draw the line and compartmentalise your work and your home.

2 Let go of the guilt
As I had the luxury of working from home a month after my first child was born until my third was a year old, it was very difficult for me when I had to go back to the office when my fourth was 4 months old.  I felt guilty about spending time away from all my children and having less time for them.  I realise that guilt is not helping me but dragging me down - I overcompensate or I have difficulty managing my emotions.  I now try to find ways to maintain a balance and also make sure that I have quality interactions with them.  Let go of the guilt - don't waste your emotions.

3 Don't forget your husband
My husband is my best friend and soulmate.  If I don't pay attention to my relationship with him, I would have overlooked perhaps the most important part of my life, next to God.  I try to spend time with him having meals together, dates and doing our all time favourite activity - watching TV.  If you have to choose spending time with your husband or your children, choose your husband everytime.  A good marriage pave way for a good family.  Best gift for your kids.

4 Don't forget yourself
How do I stretch that 24 hours to include myself?  I barely have enough for work, kids and husband.  One advice - just do it.  If I don't then I would have shortchanged all my love ones and my career.  Only when I take care of myself can I produce good work and a well managed family life.  Even 1 hour a week works wonders for me.  Take the Nike advice and just do it.

5 Pray
Praying works for me and perhaps for you, it is meditation.  I guess my point is to have a place to park your worries and cares.  No, it does not mean that I will behave irresponsibly.  It is just a means of temporarily freeing your mind and refresh your soul.  This way, I get energise and refocused to continue the journey.

What do you do to keep that balance?